Wedding porn

Wedding porn ... Lush bridal images from imported bridal magazines.

Wedding porn ... Lush bridal images from imported bridal magazines. Photo: Renam Christofoletti for Vogue Brazil Brides

I have a problem. I have an addiction to porn. I get home from work, pour a glass of wine, get comfortable and fire up the computer. Before I know it, I’ve lost hours. But it doesn’t stop there, after my partner drifts off to sleep, I’m either straight onto my iPhone or I’m rustling through the piles of magazines under the bed.

My name is Pip and I am addicted to wedding websites and big, heavy (expensive) bridal magazines. But rather than it just being an obsession, it’s more like I am finally allowed to cut loose and make up for the years of just wanting to sneak a peek of these glossies without being labelled ‘desperate’.

My little diamond ring is the only socially-accepted currency to purchase bridal glossies in public. That, and not much change out of a yellow note. However, I did buy one once without society’s golden ticket to purchasing them legitimately. I bought it for a uni assignment I was writing about "the wedding dress as a signifier of culture". And those signifiers were very pretty. That day, I grabbed the mag – and a copy of The Bulletin (when it was in circulation), you know, to even out the chi.

"My little diamond ring is the only socially-accepted currency to purchase bridal glossies in public."

"My little diamond ring is the only socially-accepted currency to purchase bridal glossies in public."

When I got to the counter, pulled out a crisp couple of $20’s and thought about buying one of those rolled up horoscope scrolls when the shop assistant said ‘Oh my god, congratulations, when’s The Big Day?’

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Me: ‘Say what?’

Shop assistant: ‘Your wedding day?’ (Flopping around the bridal mag for added emphasis)

Me:  ‘Oh! Um, April’

My brain screamed at me. What the hell did I just say? And what made it worse was that I said it without skipping a beat.

Shop assistant: ‘May I see your ring?’

Me: ‘It’s getting re-sized.’

It dawned on me that this magazine, unless bought under legitimate circumstances, runs the risk of me spewing lies.

In my panicked mind, it was just easier to lie than face the mortification of ‘Hey everyone, look at this sad case buying a BRIDAL magazine and she doesn’t even have a BOYFRIEND, lets all point and laugh!’

Now I buy bridal mags for ‘legitimate’ reasons. I need to know stuff. Like colour themes. And photobooths. And having a carbon-free ceremony. And expensive honeymoons in Bora Bora.

However, I am finding myself reading the underbelly of weddings: Gumtree classifieds.

"Wedding gown for sale: never worn" has to be one of the saddest and seductive sentences I’ve ever read.

Right now, it’s my crack. 

Crackifieds.

I don’t see them as advertising. I see them as stories.

I did a quick scan of the wedding items that were for sale around Australia over the past weeks. (I have not changed any of the wording.)

The 'When you just can’t be bothered': Off White in colour size 22 only been worn once still in dress bag. Hasn’t been dry-cleaned. Will consider offers



The 'When lower-case will just never do': NEVER WORN, BROUGHT FOR A WEDDING THAT NEVER EVENTUATED………… THANK GOD! RINGS NEED A GOOD CLEAN SO FAR I HAVENT GOTTEN AROUND TO DOING THIS. I FORGET WHAT SIZE THEY ARE BUT IF I GET TO JEWELLERS I WILL GET THEM SIZED AND POST ON HERE. 


 

The 'Optimistic': Never been worn before but has good karma!



The 'Not-so-optimistic':  Bridal business – Urgent sale! Valued at $100,000 plus, established over 20 years in current location and award winning reputation. All offers $10,000 or more will be considered. 



The 'Don’t ask questions':  I’m selling my new wedding dress that I was not able to wear for personal reasons, it's never been worn and is in perfect condition. I would like it gone asap please.

But there comes a time where you just have to stop looking at the bridal porn. But how to know when to do it?

Perhaps putting the mag back down in the neat newsagent pile when you notice the same ‘Disney wedding special!’ (no, I am not kidding) for the third time, or when you’ve decided on most of your ceremony and reception.

Don’t keep punishing yourself by going back to the bridal porn as it will start to feel as though your wedding just won’t stack up. And guess what? When it gets to that point, that’s when you really need to chill out, look at your partner and remember why you’re doing this.

But don’t think your bridal porn needs to be brand-new and virginal all the time, there are some real gems in the classifieds.

Even if it’s just for a perve.