"I just don't if you could hack it out there pretty lady" Photo: Getty
Chicks. They ruin everything. Not content with the vote, gender-equality legislation and the right to drive (despite their propensity to emotional flights and their lack of spatial awareness), they will now be allowed to fight alongside our boys in the Australian military.
Honestly, what's next? People being allowed to marry their dogs? Anything is possible now that moral relativism of the very worst kind has infected our top brass.
Let's face it, men are men, and the presence of a lady on the battlefield, all perfumed and jiggly in her combat fatigues, could distract a man-soldier from his duties.
As announced by Defence Minister Stephen Smith last month, over the next five years, roles in infantry, artillery, tank and special forces units will be opened up to the long-haired, nail-breaking sex. At the end of that time, the apocalypse will be upon us. Before you dismiss me as alarmist, consider the facts, which were enunciated by powerful male commentators following the dreaded ''Birds in Battle'' announcement.
Nature 'n' stuff
Mother Nature is obviously one of those women who don't like other women, because she has never been very kind to her sisters. She has endowed them with inferior physical strength, timidity and a nurturing instinct that makes it difficult for them to kill and wound. Worst of all, Mother Nature gave women emotions, many more than she granted men. Emotions are problematic in hand-to-hand combat, and because men don't have them (or at least not the messy, embarrassing ones that make you cry), they never freak out, become scared or in any way lose their shit when faced with dangerous situations.
Moreover, while combat situations call for manly silence, perhaps punctuated by some testosterone-fuelled yelling, women are horrific chatterboxes.
Who wants to be stuck for 72 hours in a foxhole with a girl who won't stop talking about her feelings, the personal problems of her friends and the dangerously carb-heavy nature of army rations? And what soldier wants to hear the dreaded words: ''So, what are you thinking about?'' at the very moment he has sighted the enemy in his cross-hair?
Women are also incapable of reading maps, an important part of soldiering. But the nature thing works both ways. Instinct makes men chivalrous and protective of women, and this is likely to impede the proper functioning of a combat unit. The men will neglect their military duties because they are too busy worrying about the comfort and welfare of their female comrades.
I am sure most working women will agree that chivalry often gets in the way of men fulfilling their professional duties. I've lost count of the number of times I've adversely affected productivity because my male colleagues have been too busy throwing their capes over puddles, or retrieving my dropped handkerchiefs.
Once, a male colleague almost had his hand severed as he held a lift door open for me. As it happened, he escaped with a bruise, but imagine if we had been in the mountains of Tora Bora at the time? The implications for international security would have been dire.
But the ''it's against nature'' argument is most potent when you look at the other ways it has been employed throughout history. You know, like the way American states used to legislate against interracial marriage on the basis that miscegenation was ''unnatural'', and how that's a really strong argument against homosexuality, too.
Females in body bags
Misguided people who approve of gender equality in the military will change their minds when the first female soldier comes home in a body bag. Because overall our society values female lives far above male ones. Right?
That special lady-time of the month
And then there is the delicate subject that no one wants to mention but everyone is secretly concerned about: periods. Biology teaches us that women get them and men don't. And how can you stake out a Taliban-infested Kandahari orchard if you have to, ahem, attend to feminine-hygiene issues every few hours? Moreover, what will PMT do to team morale? Imagine the following scenario: a mine-sweeping unit is moving stealthily through an Uruzgan field under the potentially hostile gaze of some local farmers.
A female soldier trips on her shoelace.
''You right?'' her male comrade asks lightly.
''I'm fine, okay?'' she barks back.
''Um, okay,'' he counters.
''Jesus. If I say I'm fine, I'm fine. Just drop it!''
As this anecdote demonstrates, premenstrual women are extremely passive-aggressive. You can well imagine the effect this will have on communication lines within small combat units.
The problems don't end there. Must female soldiers be issued special rations of tissues and Tim Tams during their special monthly time? And will military camps have to install those discreet blue bins in every ladies' latrine? And, importantly, what if their menstruation attracts bears? There are bears in Afghanistan, right?
Gender mixing
Let's face it, men are men, and the presence of a lady on the battlefield, all perfumed and jiggly in her combat fatigues, could distract a man-soldier from his duties. He might start having worldly thoughts about his sister-in-arms at precisely the moment he is supposed to be bayoneting the enemy.
This argument has been used to great effect by the Taliban, who have managed to exclude women from most areas of public life on the basis that they are innately distracting. Oh, wait ...
From: Sunday Life
