All kinds of valuable advice on how to wear your fedora below... Photo: Stuart C. Wilson
UniSA made waves yesterday when it's student union attacked courses on "men's studies" that the institution was considering running. While the University has now confirmed they won't be going ahead with the new subjects, it made us wonder... what would a "men's rights" subject at University actually look like?
Are you suffering under the stiletto-heeled jackboot of feminist oppression? Do women everywhere constantly and egregiously excuse themselves from their sexual obligations to you? Did some harridan you had a crush on in Year 9 laugh at your rad collection of Warhammer figurines once?
Fear not, ye modern-day Leonidas: salvation is at hand. "Men's rights" courses offer a safe space for students to expand their minds, engage in respectful yet passionate debate about gender issues and get some damn breathing space between us and all those hormonal bitches outside, amirite fellas?
No matter what your interests – history, politics, breathing heavily on public transport – Men’s Studies has something to offer the modern gentleman-warrior in the struggle against misandrist tyranny. You can even take it online, so you don’t even have to conform to society’s Greerstapo standards by changing out of your gaming trackpants! Take a look at the subjects on offer and book your place today, and remember: you are a precious flower and all your problems were caused by people you don’t know.
Also, tampons right? Gross.
Today the Starcraft Messageboards, Tomorrow the World: Trolling 101
The Internet has forever changed the way we communicate – we can send massive files at the touch of a button, chat with someone on the other side of the world and disseminate ideas to millions of people. Most importantly, though, we can take the fight to the hairy-armpit brigade one gif at a time. Well-reasoned arguments and scientific data are women’s weapons – we’ll teach you the latest techniques in winning Facebook-thread arguments, shooting down femtards with hilarious memes, and anonymous online harassment of women who express their opinions. Because nothing shows what a big man you are like threatening a woman from behind a laptop screen where no one can see you.
Mum Still Thinks You're Handsome: Advanced Men’s Fashion
You’re a suave, sophisticated guy, so you’ve already got the basics down – you know the fedora maketh the man. But do you which fedora goes best with your jean-shorts and which goes best with the free t-shirt you got with last month’s edition of Skyrim? This subject is the answer to all your style needs, whether it’s what kind of fabrics don’t show Pad Thai stains, how to get the best out of your computer tan or deciding whether to sculpt your neck-beard or just let that baby run wild.
It's Not You, It's the Feminazi Mafia: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
We know your feels, bro: you’re super into this girl at work, but she’s going out with some total d***. He doesn’t appreciate her the way you do – silently, from a distance, under the guise of a friendly acquaintanceship – and when you perform elaborate gestures of affection you’ve seen in movies she doesn’t fall into your arms and transform into Zooey Deschanel. What to do? Tell her how you feel? Accept that she’s not interested in you romantically and move on? Appreciate that she likes you as a person, and that a real-life friendship is worth more than a fantasy relationship? Hell no, son – it’s been scientifically proven that women are attracted to jerks because pheromones, and that Nice Guys like you will be forever spurned for being too Nice. We delve deep into this baffling phenomenon before going home and looking at her profile pictures through a blur of tears while Creep by Radiohead plays on repeat.
Because Genuine Conversations are Scary: Studies in Negging
Let’s face it: even though all women are hellish ovary-demons who feast on men’s souls and bank accounts, a grown man still needs someone to wash his bedsheets and engage with him in clammy, efficient missionary intercourse. But how to lure a mate into your Fortress of Solitude when she wants to talk – out of turn – about things that aren’t you? Yak, yak, yak! Thankfully, women are about as easy to manipulate as calculators, except that instead of spelling ‘boobies’, you can touch them! The ancient, inscrutable mysteries of how to insult a woman into bed with you will be laid bare in this not-to-be-missed subject, along with your inability to credit one half of all human people as being more intelligent than the average dog.
Gentleman, Love Thyself: The Best in Internet Pornography
Because you’re sure as hell not getting laid anytime soon, buddy.