Watch out Alan Jones, they're coming for us all.

Watch out Alan Jones, they're coming for us all.

It hasn’t been an easy few months for Australian men. Lone wolves like Alan Jones and Howard Sattler have made the rest of the Men’s Rights Activist movement look like a joke. The endless speculation about former Prime Minister Gillard’s partner’s sexuality proved that Australian society is still not comfortable with men being in positions of influence. Kevin Rudd continues to give the impression that men are marauding egomaniacs, each deserving of their own complex Shakespearian tragedy plot.

But let us put our weaker links to the side for a moment, and focus on the real issue: the survival of the dominance of the male gender. It is somehow unfathomable to imagine a world with equity between genders, or, even worse, matriarchal supremacy, because we have never really come close to it. For an indication of why such a horrid dystopia must be avoided at all costs one only needs to look at the animal kingdom. In species where females have been allowed to take control and dominate, men end up living in the sorts of depraved conditions usually limited to the imagination of Mal Brough’s restaurateurs.

The female Anglerfish 

"Do not mess with me, boys"

The female Anglerfish is a bottom dwelling misandrist that inhabits the deepest of our planet’s dark blue oceans. She has developed such a disdain for her male counterparts that she treats them like parasites. In fact, over the millennia, male Anglerfish have become so oppressed that they've had no choice but to evolve by suctioning themselves onto females for their very survival. The male Anglerfish spends his days enduring the ritualistic humiliation of being permanently attached to his wife, providing her sperm whenever she requires, arbitrarily receiving the odd nutrient for base level sustenance in return. And as if this toxic relationship wasn’t saline enough, the female Anglerfish may pick up multiple males at the same time, demonstrating the sort of subterranean polyamorous nightmare that Cory Bernardi has been railing against so passionately.

The Lactrodectus Spider

"I am hungry for some man-folk".

 Commonly referred to as the Black Widow, at first glance looks harmless enough. This most treacherous façade is nothing more than a misandrist plot. The Black Widow ensnares its male partner by (literally) tangling him up in a web of deceit, agony and despair for the exclusive purpose of mating. As soon as the business of copulation is over, before Mr Lactrodectus can even begin to nestle himself into the cradle position (the males are generally half the size of the female, meaning they would account for the little spoon), he is sexually cannibalised. The Black Widow, with poison three times as venomous as that of her male partner, sits back and watches as her perfidious plot unravels, adding insult to injury by devouring the corpse of the fellow she made love to only moments earlier. No sooner as she discards the remnants of her ex-lover’s carcass from the web does she get back to the business of trapping her next victim.

The Sea Horse

Just kidding!

The humble Sea Horse seems to have an innocuous enough existence. But scratch the surface a little and a barren plain of gender-based oppression is exposed. In what can only be described as political correctness gone mad, the reproductive process leaves the male sea horse burdened with around 1500 eggs, which it must house in its aptly named “brood pouch” for up to 45 days. Now I’m all for privacy behind the bedroom doors, but I don’t think any of us want our children to grow up in a world where it’s normal for a woman to insert her “ovipositor” into a man’s sac. And what are the girls up to while the pregnant men stay at home, you ask? Travelling around the seas, it seems; female sea horses are known to move around areas 100 square metres of their territories, where it is commonly believed they indulge in acts of infidelity. By contrast, the submissive male must remain within 1 square metre of his home.

The Spotted Hyena 

"What the *hell* are you looking at?"

The spotted hyena needs to be saved from itself. Just like the ALP’s cabinet, spotted hyenas are dominated by a matriarchy, and, just like the ALP’s cabinet, the spotted hyenas show us how out of control things can get when women are left in charge. In the misandrist hyena social hierarchy, the lowest placed female outranks even the highest placed male, confirming Julie Bishop’s recent concerns about affirmative action for women. Males are the last to be permitted to eat a carcass, even if they hunted it. Males must fight amongst themselves for the “privilege” of mating with a female; and even then, if she doesn’t like the look or smell of him, she often attacks the suitor for having the audacity for humbly offering his services in the interests of perpetuating their species. Furthermore, females will often turn against each other, fighting for the dominant position within the matriarchy, occasionally with fatal consequences. Talk about destroying the joint.

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These four species clearly demonstrate the slippery slope that lies behind the gender card - a world where parasitic men are dominated by a matriarchy that impregnates and cannibalises them. In order to maintain the global order of peace, economic prosperity, equality (within reason) and the general kindness that abounds throughout humanity it is best to retain the status quo. That is, men firmly positioned at the apex of social hierarchy. I mean, it’s served us all very well until now.