Victoria's Secret decodes womenspeak

Models Candice Swanepoel and Lily Aldridge attend the Victoria's Secret Angels Celebrate Valentine's Day at Victoria's Secret event in New York last week.

Models Candice Swanepoel and Lily Aldridge attend the Victoria's Secret Angels Celebrate Valentine's Day at Victoria's Secret event in New York last week. Photo: John Parra

Victoria's Secret, diamanté-studded purveyor of all things physically and ideologically constricting, have gifted the world a real treat this Valentine's Day. A bra that doubles as a diamond necklace, you ask? A bra that can, in actual fact, mine for diamonds entirely of its own volition? A deftly photo-shopped shoot of a fourteen year old in which the teen has no thighs yet a heaving, strangely glossy bosom? Better. Victoria's Secret have generously decoded 'woman speak' (finally!) for the less clued in men and women who may struggle with the day to day communication with their partner/love interest/colleague/friend/woman on the street.

In a video released just says before the annual day of forced, crimson-hued revelry, a handful of angels wearing lingerie in various tones of peach – and, I think, a chiffon shirt – have gathered to 'decode love'. That is, they have lifted the (chiffon) veil on communication between those in love, to reveal a festering concoction of mixed messages and women waiting to catch their partner out for missing the kernel of truth swathed in subtext. And thank God that veil has been lifted, there is no place for direct, honest communication in this ongoing narrative in which women are complicated shrews and men their dopey counterparts who don't understand what 'I'm fine' really means.

Some key tips from the peony mouths of angels;

'When I say, nobody's ever sent me flowers before, what that means for you is, 'send me two dozen of the most gorgeous, long stemmed roses.' Totally. Make it three dozen. Anything less than three dozen would be offensive and a clear indication you don't get me. And if I cast my eyes downwards at a specific angle, make it four dozen. You know what that downcast eye at the specific angle really means. And if you don't, who are you? You're wasting my time, get out.

'It's my birthday, no big deal, actually means, 'it is a big deal, surprise me with something fabulous.' Obviously. I am never going to come out and say something as embarrassing as 'it's my birthday, I'd like to do something special.' I am woman, hear me spurt manipulative sound bites, watch me pop those fat little worms on my hook and bait you, my little decoding ball of testosterone. And let this stretch to all special occasions I may ever secretly value because let it be known I am never going to be upfront about anything. It isn't my job to say what I actually want, it's my job to say the opposite and watch you fail miserably at understanding that. That's love, decoded.

'When I say, my friend, she's so pretty isn't she? What that means is 'tell me you hadn't even noticed because you only have eyes for me.' Classic. I am revoltingly envious of all of my friends and the only time I would ever say anything remotely nice about them is when I'm lying in wait for you to walk face first into my trap. My friends are not there to be nice about.

'When I say, I love you, I really mean, that I love you.' Seriously. No subtext. What an awful thing of you to assume, that 'I love you' would mean anything else other than 'I love you'. Have you learnt nothing? Yes I am casting my eyes downward at that specific angle. I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. Nobody's ever bought me flowers before ...

 

31 comments

  • How embarrassing! I never realised that, "It's my birthday, I'd like to do something special," was an embarrassing thing to say. This year I'll try dropping misleading hints and then get annoyed with my husband when he takes my word for it.

    This is why so many men have such a warped view of women.

    Commenter
    Jess
    Date and time
    February 11, 2013, 8:45AM
    • Funny how that works! In my house, to be topical, "let's not do anything for Valentines Day" really means "let's not do anything for Valentines Day". Perhaps at most one of us will get the other a card as an unexpected gesture, and absolutely nothing further. Why does this crap exist, seriously? Are we not adults capable of talking to each other?

      Commenter
      Frances
      Date and time
      February 11, 2013, 10:56AM
  • These angels sound more like "princesses."

    Commenter
    Mayday
    Location
    Sydney
    Date and time
    February 11, 2013, 8:48AM
    • I would put money on the fact that the "angels" did not write the script.

      Commenter
      Mynx
      Date and time
      February 11, 2013, 11:02AM
  • And when he says he loves you, what he really means is ‘Woooooo!! Im ****ing a VS model. Wonder if she’ll set me up with another one when we’re done here?’

    Commenter
    Sunny
    Location
    Sydney
    Date and time
    February 11, 2013, 9:18AM
    • Twenty bucks says that the script was written by a male executive. This is so stupid it's actually beyond offensive and moving into Monty Python territory. Women need our statements "translated"? My god, what a load. I hope most guys realise that these manufactured bimbos don't speak for the rest of us.

      Commenter
      Red Pony
      Date and time
      February 11, 2013, 9:23AM
      • Fantastic reply RP.

        Commenter
        Claypole
        Date and time
        February 11, 2013, 10:20AM
      • Man: "Hey, what's wrong?" (partner is clearly upset about something)
        Woman: "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine..."

        Translation : you're about to get an earful ;-)

        Commenter
        SK_
        Location
        Melbourne
        Date and time
        February 11, 2013, 10:33AM
      • Spot on Red Pony. This piece really supports the 'no' means 'yes' theory. I'm appalled it's been published - why this struggle always to validate that women have a voice, they can say what they mean without having to candy coat issues for fear of retribution????? Hello.

        Commenter
        Sidah
        Date and time
        February 11, 2013, 11:01AM
      • To me, it’s the executive part that’s most key – a company hoping to increase sales on Valentine’s Day creating a PR event.

        It’s the hosting of articles like this one that make Dailylife a confusing place. On one side of the site there’s a feminist analysis of the world and on the other side there’s gender stereotype enforcement of all the things feminists disagree with. I’m sure it’s an effort to accommodate the variety of aspects of life as a woman but the conflict of ideas still surprises me.

        Commenter
        Tom
        Location
        Canberra
        Date and time
        February 11, 2013, 11:39AM

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