Things not to give a s--t about in 2015

"STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH DISNEY HAPPEN, GRETCHEN."

"STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH DISNEY HAPPEN, GRETCHEN."

Although it's technically a little too late for a piece on New Year's Resolutions, I'm going to use the fact that we haven't quite snuck out of the end of January yet to wield my Columnist Privilege and write a list of things in no particular order that I think we need to SGTSA (stop giving three shits about) throughout the coming year. Honestly, I'm so over all this stuff that even thinking about it makes me want to stage a giant art installation with a tower of smashed computers and the remnants of a thousand selfies. And I am so f---ing over art installations.

1. Calling women 'brave' for going make-up free

On any given day, I'm wearing a base layer of mascara and eyeshadow that I put on four days ago. The mornings I go 'make-up free' are the mornings when I don't shower (most mornings) and don't re-apply a touch up layer. Someone give me a f---ing medal.

2. Make-up free campaigns that pretend to be empowering

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Pursuant to item number one, can we get the hell over campaigns that ask women to go 'bare-faced' and post a selfie in order to raise money for eating disorder foundations? What does that even mean? Do you know what would really empower the average woman? Taking the $15,000 she spends on make-up in a lifetime and putting it towards a goddamn house. Or a boat. Or pooling it together with all the other women in the world to buy a misandrist-only island located in an ocean of male tears.

3. Calling women who wear make-up 'anti-feminist'

Dude, I could trowel five inches of slap onto my mug and draw my lips to the size of Katie Price's boobs. I'll still strap your balls into a vice (metaphorically speaking) and school you on the history of patriarchy until you squeal for your mother. Don't be an idiot.

4. Feminists policing other feminists

Listen, there are absolutely problems of elitism and oppression in the feminist movement. There are problems with discrimination, transphobia, whorephobia, ableism, white supremacy, anything you can name. And these things should be called out and critically engaged with. But feminism is also a robust and broad school of thought full of ideas that can both contradict and complement each other. Sometimes we will disagree vehemently, and what's wrong with that?

Lately, it feels like people from all sides are seeking out those singular disagreements and using them to completely delegitimise someone's entire intellectual framework. And to what purpose? Sure, there are some political viewpoints individuals will never be able to compromise on and that's fine. But surely there are others that we can approach in a more nuanced way, while accepting that agreement on 100% of all issues is probably an impossible aspiration? Women are never the biggest enemies of other women. So if we cannot find commonality to work against an enemy that threatens all of us, what hope do we have?  

5. Placating men's feelings of insecurity around feminism

Men, if it's not about you then it's not about you. But every time you interrupt a feminist argument about, say, the gross f---ing violence that women experience at the hands of men to insist that they reiterate that NOT ALL MEN do this, you are prioritising your feelings over the actual facts of women's lives. You are making it about you. What a spectacularly douchey thing to do!

So women, I say to you, please, please, PLEASE stop adding man-placating disclaimers and caveats to your feminist rants. Yes, we ARE talking about the men in this room. All men may experience patriarchy's harm, but they also universally benefit from its continuation. Gender inequality isn't a mysterious acid cloud that just rains down on us without warning from time to time. If men want to be part of the solution, they need to stop being part of the problem. And it's not enough for them to just show up occasionally and say, 'Well I don't do that.' Dude, you're doing it right now.

6. Reimagining Disney Princesses

Disney's Princess factory is racist, sexist, ageist, ableist bulls--t. All of those princesses have necks the same size as their waists. Since the release of Tangled (named as such because Disney thought 'Rapunzel' would alienate boy viewers), the Disney princesses have all been drawn with exactly the same face. It doesn't matter how great Frozen's story arc was, the Disney machine can never be and will never be feminist so long as it fixates on the romantic storylines of predominantly white, young, rich princesses who all look the same. STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH DISNEY HAPPEN, GRETCHEN.

7. Weight-loss success stories

Seriously, who gives a s--t? I don't need to read any more 'exclusive' stories about how Ricki-Lee Coulter lost 30kgs and is 'so much happier now!'. I DON'T CARE. F--k your body-shaming! I've got small tits, a massive arse and my thighs rub in the middle. Newsflash: I don't hate myself for it or think I don't deserve to go swimming in front of other people. The end.

8. 'Reverse sexism'

Give my regards to Paul Elam, loser.