Things lesbians get away with that straight girls can't

DJ Sam Ronson is a passionate advocate for 'comfort dressing'.

DJ Sam Ronson is a passionate advocate for 'comfort dressing'. Photo: Chris Weeks

It's a close-run thing with the liberty of never having to shave my legs or pretend to listen to mansplaining, but I've come to the momentous conclusion that my hands-down favourite thing about being gay is the world-weary smugness of being in a minority group. It's a balm for the angst-ridden white middle-class woman's bleeding leftist heart to know that, while she is but a cog in the oppressive capitalist machine, there is always the Get Out of Jail card of being a sexual deviant. Sure, I went to a private school with Paul Keating's daughters, won a $60,000 scholarship to design college* and secured a a plum posting at DFAT in Geneva* but I like women and therefore I am MARGINALISED. The best part of this scenario is when I go to inner west cocktail parties and everyone has to check their privilege in a bowl at the door for a little potluck scramble at the end of the night I get to swan on by, holding fast to my little carte blanche. Gay lady coming through.

Imagine my shock, then, to receive the news this week The Internet that, in fact, I TOO HAVE PRIVILEGE. Andrew Bolt was right. It's political correctness gone mad. What kind of a country do we live in when you can't publicly vilify someone on the basis of their race and LESBIANS have to apologise for their perks in a listicle. #notinmyname #marchinmardigras

Are you there God? It's me, Gaymy, and I'm sorry.

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So here they are: things lesbian girls get away with that straight girls can't. 

Comfort factor
Nothing says lesbian (or German tourist) like a comfortable pair of shorts, Birkenstocks and a baseball cap with your favourite 'Hirsute is Beaut' singlet, bra optional. Big night out or a special occasion? Better bust out the good jeans and a collared shirt. Being gay means never having to say you're sorry for wearing an Adidas tracksuit on a first date.

Wingwomyn
Men find it legitimately intriguing and thrilling to be able to talk to a woman openly about sex and it's adorable that they think you're telling them all the deepest darkest secrets of womankind when you draw a map of the female anatomy and explain where the clitoris is. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him think. Straight girls are always jealous of the lesbian wingwomyn (no single PART of me is a man) and want to know how to emulate that level of ease with a guy. My secret? I really don't give a sh---. It drives them wild

The Rampage
Rampant tramping around is definitely a gay lady privilege and I'm sorry not sorry that when straight women get around they're dirty names but when we do it it's awesome. I once spent six months in a contest with several other lesbians trying to sleep with as many women as possible. It was unofficially known as The Rampage, and I did not win. An important disclaimer: dykes are not very good at Rampaging, as a rule, because You Can't Sleep With Someone Unless You Have Feelings For Them And Once You Do It's Love And You Move In Together Immediately And Rescue a Cat.  

Show us ya tits
Some of the most sexist remarks I have ever heard  have been uttered by card-carrying muff-divers who feel, as same-sex-attracted women, that it's their Sapphic right to cop a look at the arse on that one, I'd go her but only from behind, am I right?! It's certainly a privilege unique to lesbians andspermatogenitors, but one that might best be revoked.

Gold Star Feminism
There has been a schism since time immemorial (i.e. before I was born) between lesbian feminists and feminists who are attracted to and fraternise with men. There is something unassailable about your commitment to overthrowing the patriarchy and systems of oppression when you maintain an XY excision zone around your nether regions.

Nude parade
Every March, even and especially when it's raining we take most of our clothes off and dance down Oxford Street, with the special blessings of Fred Nile. What have the Christian Democrats done for YOU lately?

Are you still talking?
The wonderful thing about being disinterested in men as a sexual prospect removes any incentive to stand and listen to them bore you with another round of mansplaining or their latest achievement in the realms of sportsball and Testosterone. I estimate I have gained an extra four years of life by simply dropping a death stare and wandering off.  

Or are you just happy to see me
Discretion in my pants is the better part of valor. 

*May not accord with actual events 

 

8 comments

  • Don't forget the biggie: you have a "perfect" excuse not to get married - "they won't let us [and what's the point if it's not official?]". High price to pay, though. :(

    Commenter
    gay-bro-luvs-his-sister-lovin-sisters
    Date and time
    June 02, 2014, 8:54AM
    • "stand and listen to them bore you with another round of mansplaining"

      Unfortunately I don't think being a lesbian makes patronising misandry any more attractive

      Commenter
      Gert
      Location
      Melbourne
      Date and time
      June 02, 2014, 9:11AM
      • "...and it's adorable that they think you're telling them all the deepest darkest secrets of womankind when you draw a map of the female anatomy and explain where the clitoris is. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him think."

        I get that this is supposed to be funny, but I think someone might want to spend some time really thinking about why guys always want to ask these kinds of questions to lesbians. Rather than doing the usual thing that this article does - just snidely ridiculing them.

        Commenter
        DM
        Date and time
        June 02, 2014, 9:50AM
        • Hilarious article - I'm still laughing.

          Commenter
          Loveit
          Location
          Sydney
          Date and time
          June 02, 2014, 9:53AM
          • As a lady who likes ladies, most of these are on-point (although if a woman showed up to our first date in an Adidas tracksuit, she wouldn't be getting a second) but I just want to know where is this magical kingdom devoid of mansplaining? I want to go there! Not sleeping with men doesn't mean being free of their rubbish, my friend.

            Commenter
            sophie
            Date and time
            June 02, 2014, 12:10PM
            • Urgh, i'm booored. Don't get me wrong, as a 'card-carrying muff-diver' myself (and a femme-as-f*#k one at that) I too enjoy the smugness of my lifestyle being left of the norm but this kind of over stereotyping of lesbians as collared shirt and cargo shorts wearing, lad-like, 'show us ya tits' hollering bunch is boring as hell. Why not put in a little effort and write an interesting article instead of recycling the same old tripe and promoting the over-worked and over-played 'lets move in after the second date and rescue a cat' BS.

              Your privilege is that somehow this eye-rolling article got published because you are gay and if it had been knocked back then some kind of homophobia based tantrum would have been thrown and thats just too much work for your editor to deal with.

              Oh, and you are going to have to give up your Birkenstock wearing smugness to all the straight gals at those inner west parties because they are the 'fashion de-jour' of the moment don't you know?

              Commenter
              glittertits
              Date and time
              June 02, 2014, 1:00PM
              • Loved this. Have to say, as a straight married lady I claim a lot of these privileges myself: socks with sandals; not giving a s**t; non-toleration of mansplaining - except from my partner, but don't try to tell me partners of any sexual persuasion don't get Special Privileges.

                Commenter
                @LauraBloomify
                Location
                Byron Bay
                Date and time
                June 02, 2014, 1:39PM
                • :))) Love it!!

                  Commenter
                  treefrog
                  Date and time
                  June 02, 2014, 2:00PM
                  Comments are now closed