A scene from Two Days in Paris, where Marion(Julie Delpy)'s relationship unravels as her boyfriend accuses her of lying about her past.

A scene from Two Days in Paris, where Marion (Julie Delpy)'s relationship unravels as her boyfriend accuses her of lying about her past.

It didn’t take long for the #LiesToldByFemales hashtag to don a fedora and begin trending last week, and the resulting mess of stereotypes and whining emasculation is exactly as you’d expect. The first clue is in the name - you can be reliably assured that anyone who uses the word ‘females’ to refer to women in public is carefully doing so because they can’t use the names they prefer to use in private. ‘Bitches’, ‘hoes’, ‘sluts’, ‘skanks’ and ‘whores’ - you know, ‘women’.

While a depressing number of women also gleefully took up the challenge of diminishing ‘females’ as a whole (the official term for this kind of woman is ‘boy suck’), there were a few running themes that seemed to speak to a particular kind of mainstream masculine insecurity. And as a number of websites have already pointed out, the proliferation of these pretty repulsive views shows that, in the Enlightened Age of Equality, we still have a long way to go to challenging insidiously sexist views.

So let’s take a look at them! Here, in no particular order, are the five most egregious examples of ‘lies’ that ‘females’ tell in order to engage men in the kind of exploitative sorcery that tries to pretend we might be a wildly diverse group of people and not the two dimensional tropes of men’s imaginations.  

 

1. “I don’t wear much makeup.”

Oh females. We just can’t win, can we? I mean, everyone knows that obvious make up is a huge turn off. Because we don’t need make-up to be beautiful! All we need is a healthy dose of self doubt. As noted sociologists One Direction sang, ‘You don’t know you’re beautiful (oh oh) That’s what makes you beautiful.’

But while it’s apparently undesirable to be with a woman who doesn’t try to conceal her concealer, it’s also true that no one wants the embarrassment of being seen with one who actually has to try. Can you imagine? Yuck. (And don’t even think about being a less than conventionally attractive woman who refuses to be insecure. Who do you think you are?)

So what does this say about the people who perpetuate this stereotype? Basically, it’s just another way for them to feed the myth that women (sorry, ‘females’) are superficial and vain. Not only do we lie about what our beauty routine entails, we also lie about our true selves. Like cleavage enhancing bras and Spanx underwear, we trick men into thinking we’re Venus emerging from a clam shell when we’re actually slimy, repulsive walruses belly flopping our way across the land and shaking the very foundations of trust on which men stand. The betrayal...well, it’s almost too acute to bear. And that’s a cute no one can stomach.


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2. “I’ve only ever been with, like, one guy/I’m a virgin/I’ve never done that with anyone before.”

Literally the worst thing a ‘female’ can do to a certain kind of man is to put her vagina in the vicinity of another man. The human vagina is a little bit like the human lung - just as the lung blackens and dies when exposed to harmful cigarette smoke, so too does the vagina become aged and floppy the moment it comes into contact with a penis. If you’re worried about whether or not the ‘female’ you’re interested in may have had some experiences in the some 20+ years of her existence that didn’t include you, just check to see if she has her labia wrapped around her ears and knotted in a bow on the top of her head. If she does, I’m afraid to tell you that she’s likely been touched at least once down there and is now carrying a Mary Poppins’ bag between her legs.

In all seriousness, the obsession with women’s chastity says far more about those doing the worrying than it does about women themselves. It seems to me that the only reason you’d want to ensure your partner has had no prior experience is because you’re afraid you’ll be unfavourably compared. And if that’s your attitude? You probably will be.


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3. “It’s your baby.”

I recently watched someone argue that paternity fraud is a more damaging and widespread violation than rape, and I was like:


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4. “I’m not interested in a relationship right now.”

Women are always interested in relationships, amirite? We’re just looking to nail down someone rich, trick them into having a baby with us and then spend the rest of our days have mani-pedis by the pool while our poor, exploited husbands foot the bill. So when a woman says she’s not interested in a relationship, what she really means is that she’s not ‘feeling it’ with you. And man, that sucks guys! Imagine having the horn for a babe only to find out she’s not that keen on you back. And you’re so nice! Bitches always be complaining about how there’s no decent men left, and here you are with all your compliments and assurances that you’ll worship her forever and she’s throwing it back in your face! Life is really hard.

Repeat after me the wise old lessons of the internet my friends. Women are not vending machines into which you can feed kindness coins until they spit out sex and love. It hurts when people reject you, especially when YOU like them a lot and YOU feel like you really want to be in a relationship with them. But the first part of being ready for a real relationship with a woman is seeing her as a real person with individual thoughts and desires. Being ‘nice’ isn’t enough to earn your way into that, because SURPRISE! Women are actually a whole lot more complicated than just wanting someone who’ll fetishise them and ‘treat them like a queen’.


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No.

 

5. “[Everything that comes out of her mouth.]”

Literally drowning in your male tears.


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