The four predictably basic moves of men's rights activists

The good thing about sexist trolls is their predictability.

The good thing about sexist trolls is their predictability. Photo: Stocksy

As we all know, the true purpose of men's rights activism (at least as practiced by the majority of the internet's MRAs) is to find new and less inventive ways to harass women. This harassment is frequently exercised using online tools, because nothing says bravery like an MRA flexing his muscles behind a cartoon avatar and a name pulled directly from the George R.R Martin playbook.

Still, there are women out there who feel obliged to take these men and their questionable use of the Earth's oxygen seriously. It pains me to think of them agreeing to be silent because some bargain bin dildo has popped her on his "women to call fat sluts" daily to-do list. I've seen too many women delete their social media accounts for fear of inciting the wrath of these crotch-stains, and it really burns my crumpets.

But the good thing about MRAs is their predictability. Once you realise how pathetically limp and small they are, they're much easier to conquer. Basically, just think of the boggarts hiding in the Hogwarts wardrobes. At first they seem scary, but laugh at them long enough and they soon reveal their true selves. Or if you're more of a Buffy fan, think of them like the demon Gachnar from the S4 episode, "Fear, Itself". Initially a bit intimidating, but very quickly shown to be no more than a few inches high. (For the record, Buffy defeats Gachnar by squishing him with her shoe.)

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Anyway, here are some things to look out for when Sarbutt of AssFace pops up to remind you of all the ways he's a useless human being.

1. He will probably open by calling you ugly and/or fat

This is designed to make you feel like you are nothing because women (in Truth Warrior's mind at least) only become worth something when they're prompting boners in the population of faceless cishet men who think their dicks are made of gold. To these guys, calling a woman fat is like the ultimate burn because what he's really saying is, "I would not deign to fuck you." It seems not to occur to him that you would a) rather roll in the hay with an actual pig than one of its long lost, less evolved relatives and b) do not care whether or not you get him or indeed any man hot and bothered in his downstairs. Oh no, some sad, weird loser on the internet thinks I'm gross! Is there a support group I can join? If so, I imagine it's full of glorious women drinking wine and cackling while they theatrically search all their bags for a single, solitary fuck to give and still coming up short.

2. At some point, he will call you a spoilt child

While MRAs might be the literal embodiment of that giant baby reverse-shrunk to ten times its size in one of the lesser iterations of the Honey, I Shrunk The Kids franchise, they do not see the situation this way. Probably because they are giant babies and their spatial awareness is still not great. In between dribbling and throwing tantrums, they love to accuse women - especially feminists - of being like children. Grow up! they yell. Stop behaving like such a spoilt brat! I was referred to as such earlier this week because I refused to read an article about how I supposedly used my extraordinary power to shame an 'innocent man' who punched his girlfriend in the face (twice) and then sent her messages begging her not to tell anyone. The website this piece was posted on is hosted by a man who has literally recorded himself warning feminists that if they don't stop, he will do to them what he's done to me - which is buy a domain with my name on it and republish tweets I've posted publicly as 'evidence' of my great evil. But yes, feminists are the widdle babies.

3. When you fight back or laugh at him, he will accuse you of cyberbullying

This one is particularly delicious, because it speaks to how incredibly thin skinned these men are - an excellent irony, given how much of their whole platform is based on "free speech" and making fun of "safe spaces". To these people, "free speech" really means "you must listen to every deranged thing I say and you are never allowed to ignore me or retaliate because that is the equivalent of you oppressing me and we might as well be living in Nazi Germany, you fascist". I've lost count of the number of times men have begun an online conversation with me by calling me a slut or a whore or a 'leftard' only to grow incensed when I openly deride them in front of other people. "I shouldn't have expected more than abuse from you!" they might say. The other night, a man I don't know told me I should be ashamed for promoting my 'fat' unhealthy lifestyle (by simply existing I guess - see rule #1). When I told him I would sit on him and suffocate him, he replied, "Is that a death threat?" I mean, sometimes it really boggles me how men managed to take over the world.

4. They'll try to shame you for letting down 'real feminists'

Ever heard the one about how 'real feminists' would be rolling in their graves to see the way these modern women behave? A tactic of the MRA 'movement' (which not so inaccurately calls to mind images of bowels and waste) is to pretend they support 'real feminism', which essentially means some of them consent to the idea of women voting. Anything beyond this is just our stab at superiority, and it's an insult to what the suffragettes were fighting for. Apparently. Because suffragettes would traditionally be inclined to side with the metaphorical ancestors of the men who imprisoned them, tortured them and ridiculed them on an international scale. Well may the suffragettes be rolling in their graves, but it's more likely because they can't believe we still have to put up with this whiny shit.

In conclusion, and in the immortal words of the great and wise Leslie Knope, these people are ridiculous and men's rights are nothing.