The five kinds of guys you'll meet on Melbourne Cup day

"The bloke In a “Hilarious” Costume." The Melbourne Cup Carnival, 2008.

"The bloke In a “Hilarious” Costume." The Melbourne Cup Carnival, 2008.

So you’re off to the races today: what to expect.

Well, other than a magnificent horse race and some stirring and portentous poetry from the Channel Seven commentary team (truly, no one does a slow-motion montage better), chances are - especially if you’re a female, lone or in a group - you’ll meet some of the many men of Cup Day.

To prepare you for these inevitabilities, as a formerly dedicated Spring Racing attendee, I’ve prepared a little list so that you can keep an eye out for the blokes you may (read: definitely will) run into at Flemington (or a race courses pretending to be Flemington today.)

"The Pretty Nice But Maggoted Dude." Melbourne Cup, Flemington in 2005.

"The Pretty Nice But Maggoted Dude." Melbourne Cup, Flemington in 2005.

The Hideous Sleaze

This drongo will almost certainly be wearing those poo-scooping squared-toe winklepickers of your nightmares, so if you are sweeping the grass while attempting to avoid eye-contact with your fellow punters, at least you can give him a wide berth when you spot his footwear. He’ll come equipped with a pickup line, or - depending on his vintage - may even attempt to “neg” you (fun!). He’s all up in your personal space and ignores your body-language (which after 30 seconds in his presence will be at Defcon: Furious Cat At The Vet). If you are blessed with the ability to projectile vomit on cue, now might be the time to dazzle him with your skills when he asks “What are you into, baby?”

The Pack Of Blokes In “Hilarious” Costumes

You know the ones: they all come in Mariachi gear, or dressed as Gumby, or as an impending sense of crushing existential agony. Fortunately, despite the fact that they move in packs, these bros are usually so thrilled by their own hilariousness that they are unlikely to bother you.

The Pretty Nice But Maggoted Dude

Your horse might have turned around and cantered the other way, but CONGRATULATIONS, it seems an amateur has claimed the handicap on your heart! We’re Australian, so the chances of meeting Someone Nice while intoxicated fall somewhere between “high” and “scientific inevitability”. If this is the case, swap numbers and agree to meet up at a later date when you’re less harangued by the seething, drunken masses. Or grope each other in a rose bush, whatever, I’m not your mum. 

The Cheeky Chappie

This Hans Moleman-looking fellow tends to hang out in the betting ring, or anywhere he can get a good look at the horses. (He used to be found on the green near the stables, before equine flu demanded that the steeds rise up from the underworld via a concrete-covered series of tunnels, so his habitat has been displaced.) It’s possible he once saw Phar Lap race, and he will chat to you all day about the odds, his favourite jockeys, the time he had wun at eleven with Bart Cummings, and so on. He will provide you with tips and a moment of old-fashioned chivalry in a sea of odiousness, so enjoy his company. Unless he tries to squeeze you on the bum, in which case kick his walking stick out from underneath him.

The Guy Wearing His Girlfriend’s Fascinator

You’ll meet this guy on the train/tram on the way home. Typically he has swapped an item of clothing for the fascinator - perhaps his girlfriend, or girl friend, is wearing his suit jacket or shoes - and will provide you with literally minutes of conversation pleasure as the public transport lulls him into an intoxicated, VB-scented stupor while he regales you with stories of “some dickhead” he tried to “smash” outside the Birdcage and how he “glarrgens” some “ffnnnnhhhghh” at “bssspphh” and “zzzzzz”.

Bonus points are awarded if you spot or meet any of the following:

The Girl Carrying A Sauce Dispenser Around As Her New Accessory

True dinks, I saw this at Derby Day one year: evidently she’d forgotten to put the large, catering-sized dead horse (sorry) dispenser down after getting some hot chips, and instead carried it around like it was the most fashionable minaudiere. Since the Derby is traditionally a more subdued affair than The Cup, it stands to reason you may see this creature on the big day.

Johnny Letts With An Antenna On His Helmet

You may see Australia’s favourite ex-jockey trotting around interviewing winners for the folks at home. Extra bonus points are awarded if it looks like his horse is “interviewing” the winning horse, too.

An Actual Famous Horse

One year I met Subzero, back when he was working as the clerk of the course’s horse, and there’s a photo of me standing next to him looking utterly thrilled and about five-years-old. I include this because at the end of the big day, when you’ve lost faith in humanity and the smell of crushed grass and rapidly curdling cocktails is mingling in your nostrils, at least we’ll always have PONIES!!!!

23 comments

  • Of course the nice guy is going to get maggoted - If the list is any indication of what women thing of blokes why would he bother.

    Commenter
    Steve
    Location
    Sydney
    Date and time
    November 06, 2012, 8:29AM
    • Such a shame, ladies.

      Not a single mention of the only type of guy any of you women are actually interested in - the Tom Waterhouse-esque, Sydney eastern suburbs, born to rule, daddy's money rich, Porsche-driving, handsome and yet inexplicably still single (possibly because he doesn't have a shred of personality) guy who will inevitably treat you like crap yet you'll flock to him anyway like the predictable little gold diggers that you are. And then when he cheats on you, you'll go crying to your besties over a semillon sav blanc at The Winery about how all men are pricks and you deserve better because you're beautiful.

      All the best on race day!

      Commenter
      Dan
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      November 06, 2012, 9:00AM
      • How's your love life, Dan?

        Commenter
        Clem Bastow
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 9:52AM
      • Hi Clem,

        It's great!

        As of next week, my girlfriend and I will be together 4 years and we're very happy. Managed to do a fair bit of travel over the last couple of years and have plans to renovate our house soon so we can do some more entertaining at home.

        I'm more of the shy, retiring type so you're unlikely to catch me getting maggoted and obnoxious at the races. I'm more interested in watching live bands or having a few quiet beers at the local or a mates place. My girlfriend is always saying how lucky she is that we found each other.

        Not all of us are drunken loutish, sex predator buffoons - if your target demographic were less preoccupied with aesthetics and status and spent less time tarting themselves up to try and impress some empty suit at the races, they might meet one of the nice genuine ones like me.

        Commenter
        Dan
        Location
        Sydney
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 10:29AM
      • AND THERE IT IS! I AM STAMPING THE "NICE GUY" SQUARE ON MY BINGO CARD! Thanks, Dan, I just won the jackpot!

        Commenter
        Clem Bastow
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 11:09AM
      • Hi Dan.

        I can't help but notice that in the same sentence you are upset about being generalized against and then make a mass sweeping generalization against pretty much all women in Sydney. So it's just my opinion, but you don't really sound like "one of the nice ones" that I'd like to meet. I'm glad you and your girlfriend are happy together, but maybe if you are, you should ponder why other peoples behavior seems to bother you so much?? Live and let live perhaps??

        Commenter
        RS
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 11:11AM
      • Dan
        Nice stuff. Both of your comments were very funny and insightful.

        Commenter
        Bender
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 2:20PM
    • LOL.

      Commenter
      Adrian
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      November 06, 2012, 9:43AM
      • Nice article. There should be a companion piece on the types of girls you meet on Melbourne Cup Day. 1) The over-dressed, faux-classy, bogan chick carrying her ludicrous shoes along Flemmington Rd.... and that's pretty much all.

        Commenter
        Andrew19
        Location
        Melbourne
        Date and time
        November 06, 2012, 10:04AM
        • What I like about this comment is how it illustrates the difference in the way men and women approach things. Clem provided some physical characteristics to help identify these types yet primarily focused on behaviour - how they're going to treat us.
          Our mate Andrew here, though, made sure to keep it focused squarely on how a woman appears, her behaviour is irrelevant. Because that's all women are worth to him - how they look. Women are just meat.
          Well done, Andrew! You successfully reminded every woman reading this why we're cynical about you fellas.

          Commenter
          Miss Andry
          Location
          Sydney
          Date and time
          November 06, 2012, 10:30AM

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