Women are curious felines. The cogs of our minds are always spinning, and it’s not unusual for us to spend solitary time in deep thought considering the Important Questions of the day. Can one ever have too many shoes? Which Ryan is the best Ryan, Gosling or Reynolds? Is the way to a man’s heart really through his stomach.
But there are few greater mysteries that perplex the female mind than the elusive riddle of beauty. Specifically, who has it and what does it mean? Specificallyer, what makes a woman beautiful instead of just hot? The world’s greatest lady philosopheresses have pondered this for literally thousands of years or maybe even two seconds and been unable to provide a definitive answer.
The Good Men Project recently republished a thesis penned by writer Lauren Martin exploring the ten things that turn a woman from merely ‘hot’ into beautiful. The piece first appeared in noted academic journal Elite Daily, and honoured ‘beautiful’ as “a sacred word, one kept for those who truly can’t be described any other way.” According to Martin, “it’s the way she radiates from the inside, out. It’s her soul and her spark and that thing you just can’t put your finger on.” Is it a woman or a nuclear reactor? Probably both, and that’s what makes her so special.
Anyway, I’ve taken Martin’s list and in the pursuit of science have added some further definitions of my own. The list itself didn’t include ‘takes initiative’ or ‘laughs at silly pseudoscience which pretends to liberate women but actually just makes us sound really daft’ but I suppose we are not all destined to be beautiful.
1. Her passions define her more than she looks
Beautiful women like things, sometimes enough to even get excited about them. Whether it’s cooking, making collages out of seashells or checking their boyfriend’s text messages to see if Sandra from IT is starting to become a problem, it’s important to have a hobby. As Martin says, ‘passion is contagious, [and] the beautiful woman is someone you’d rather talk to in bed than take to bed’. Which is probably a good thing, because you don’t want to catch anything if the virus is still in the active stage.
2. She shows you her real face
This is the real clincher. Any old hot broad can hide behind a face full of slap, but how can you be sure that she’s a Truly Authentic Human Being if she lives so comfortably in a sea of lies? Beautiful women aren’t afraid to show you the ‘real them’ - and if that means peeling off the artificial skin and tissue that most of us walk around in to disguise the truth of our mystical origins, so be it. Because we’re worth it.
3. She doesn’t chase the limelight.
Beautiful women don’t need to scramble for attention. People are just drawn to them, often without even knowing why. This is because beautiful women are also secretly magnets. If you listen closely, you can hear them buzzing slightly. That’s how you know.
4. She knows how to talk.
See that hot woman over there? Chances are her mouth is just there for show and hot girl activities. But remember, beautiful women are the ones you want to talk to between the sheets. Make sure she knows how to use her mouth in the right ways - and that means captivating you with her intelligence and smart girl word making. Can ugly women do that too? Who cares?
5. She can go it alone.
Confidence is the key to real beauty, you guys. Confidence and being able to be alone. Even though beautiful women are also secretly magnets. I don’t know, it’s confusing.
6. She’s tight-lipped
Beautiful women know how to talk, but that doesn’t mean that they should. There’s nothing more beautiful than a puzzle, and that means keeping things to yourself. Beautiful women know how to have entire conversations using enigmatic eyebrows, quizzical foreheads and the aromatic breath of mystery. If you find yourself playing charades with a woman who makes you feel funny in your down-there, chances are your minx is actually a sphinx.
7. She bends over backwards.
There’s nothing more beautiful than selflessness, particularly in women. Selfless women are the pinnacle of beauty, especially if they also look really good in a bikini. Remember - hot girls play with your heart, beautiful girls mend it. They’re a lot like Nice Guys in that respect.
8. She’s open.
And that means to trying new things! Beautiful women aren’t sticks in the mud. They love adventure and exploring the things that make you excited and happy. Like camping, and anal.
9. She’s got soul.
No, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s religious although a beautiful woman also has a spiritual side involving candles and the small ghost of a playful child named Copernicus who lives in her wardrobe. Beautiful women just have that something inside them that makes you want to be near them.
10. She’s got that thing.
You know, that thing which just draws you to her. Some call it a je ne sais quoi, others call it a vagina. And it can be tight-lipped and open too, and it certainly responds well to her bending over backwards. Who can say what it’s real name is, but whatever it is, it’s magical.