Misandry Island: this is what a feminist utopia would look like


Clementine Ford

Clementine Ford has a misandream.

Clementine Ford has a misandream.

As a shrieking feminist harpy, it's been a long held wish of mine to sail away on an ocean of male tears and live on an island that recognises the inherent humanity of women. Women of all shapes, sizes, creeds, colours, bodies and backgrounds would live together in harmony and under a system of collaborative leadership. In the evenings, we'd come together to watch the sunset. Over cold cocktails, where the twizzle sticks are actually dehydrated penises, we'd marvel at how much better it is to live in a society that doesn't see us as peripheral to the real experience of what it means to be human, and doesn't expect us to meekly accept the reality of our own supposed weaknesses. We'd make jokes, because women are very funny. And there would be no MRAs and no mosquitos, because the annoying buzz of tiny, obnoxious pests would be banned.

Ladies, this is my misandream.

But what other marvels would be found on Misandream Island? Come with me as I ponder what such a utopia would look like!

1. Women would be paid more


Economic freedom is vital to women's liberation - so on Misandream Island, women will automatically be paid 30% more than the men, regardless of their ability! They'll also be given the best jobs and automatically be considered for promotions and fast tracking to positions of authority. Our society will recognise that this is the way things should be, because everyone will understand that men's love for unpaid domestic work and child rearing will act as a barrier to their career ambitions.

The dominance of women in power will also mean we can finally stop talking about the importance of getting women onto boards. Because the only boards women will be on at Misandream Island is the ones they use to ride the salty waves out in the Bay of Male Tears.

2. Pop culture will tell and celebrate work made by women, about women, for women

School reading lists will be dominated by the works of writers like Virginia Woolf, Alice Walker, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Melissa Lucashenko and Jeanette Winterson. Movies will be made about tempestuous and tortured women geniuses, the performances hailed as 'mind-blowing' and 'method'. A broad range of age, beauty, race, ability and sexualities will be on show in the dominantly female protagonists. Occasionally, they'll be supported by a male love interest who'll be given the opportunity to marginally expand his scene time by having brief conversations with other men, but only in a way that facilitates the further exposition of the main character (who, as we've established, will always be a woman). Men will take up approximately 30% of screen time and focus across the storytelling platform, because people will just understand that stories about men are boring and no one wants to see them. Radio playlists will be dominated by women musicians, their work referred to as 'ground-breaking' and 'genre busting'.

Respected award ceremonies recognising the work of these artists will always focus on the achievements of women, and year after year we'll see them take out the top honours in their fields. When men complain, we'll tell them they're imagining things and besides, if men want to be better recognised, they should produce better and more interesting art. Sometimes, a particularly zealous woman will respond to these feelings of marginalisation with repeated abuse and threats of physical and/or sexual violence, but that's okay because not all of us will be like that.

3. Free and easily accessible abortion clinics with exclusion zones out the front which reach all the way to the sun

Because sometimes you just feel like having one.

4. Woman friendly social media

On Misandream Island, there'll be no social media platforms allowed which indulge the feelings of whiny man babies. Instead, we'll have FemBook. It will be adorned by photographs of women breastfeeding or just chilling with their pubes hanging out of their shorts and their cellulite on display. You won't be allowed to start a group that protests against the objectification and vilification of men, but pages laughing at tiny penises and calling for 'dirty sluts' to be kicked in the balls will be celebrated as a form of democratic comedy. The accounts of men under the age of 30 will be bombarded with algorithm-based advertising making them feel ashamed for being single. The accounts of men over the age of 30 will also get that, but a bunch more about how fat and gross they are.

5. Genetic engineering that allows the female species to develop so that our eyes have lazers in them

This way, we can eventually enslave men with just the threat of our ability to punish them for stepping out of line. We probably won't even have to use the lazers all that much; it'll be enough for them to know that we could if we wanted to.

When society has reestablished itself as a deeply entrenched matriarchy that rewards women for simply existing, treats our ideas and actions as more inherently valuable than those of men and allows us to dominate every position of leadership in order to shape a global society's values and goals, we'll be able to point to men's lack of protest and agitation as a sign that they're happy with the way things are. Sure, the grumblings of a small and angry minority make it sound like something's wrong, but this is just the way the world is now. It's biological. We're all different but equal, and men's role in that would just be being equal in a way that is actually grossly unequal. But still equal.

And the ones who kept making a rowdy fuss about it or getting on our nerves? Well, we'd just kill them.