Let's talk about the 'universal hot crazy' matrix

Dana McLendon.

Dana McLendon.

You know what almost never gets old? Jokes about hot, crazy women. No, it’s true. Because while the rest of us have adhered to the linear laws of time and physics and moved forward into the 21st century, those jokes are still enjoying an extended adolescence back in the way-back of 1975. To get an idea of what it looks like there (I’m imagining a sort of grainy, Hipstomatic filter, a lot of terry towelling shorts and the vague-yet-persistent aroma of VB) we might ask YouTube comedian and social anthropologist, Dana McLendon.

McLendon recently spent actual time and energy coming up with ‘The Universal Hot Crazy Matrix: A Man’s Guide to Women’. He drew a graph for it and everything. I didn’t really get it, but that might just be the limitations of my woman-brain and its inability to process the complicated wit of sexist japery. So I asked a man to explain it to me, and he told me that McLendon was riffing on the correlation between a woman’s ‘hotness’ and her level of crazy.

“But I don’t understand?” I said to my authoritative male friend, with what I hoped was a simplistic coquettishness befitting of my gender.

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“That’s because you’re not hot,” he told me, authoritatively, patting me on the shoulder with the edge of his fingertips.

“True,” I agreed, before cutting his head off, because I was still crazy.

So I watched McLendon’s video again. Here are some of the lessons I learned:

 

1. All women are at least a little bit crazy

Over at the Woman Factory, units are programmed to be at least a 4 on the 1-10 scale of crazy. The real tragedy is that when we get sent to the shops for purchasing, there’s no indicator of which personality we’ve been programmed with. How do you know if you’re getting a manageable 4 or even a 5 instead of one of those barking mad 7 or 8 models? You don’t.

This is just one of the many examples of how society discriminates against men. Maybe even the worst example.

 

2. Men have strict standards

Women who fall between 0-5 on the hot measurement of the scale fall in the ‘No Go Zone’. According to the serial killer presenting the video, “You do not hang around, date and marry women who are not at least, in our mind, a 5.”

Because you have to put a value on yourself, fellas - and I think we can all agree that if you’re the kind of person who makes sexist graphs for companies that teach people how to shoot guns, then you deserve if not the very best, then at least 50% of it. It’s an equality worth fighting for.

 

3.  Holiday in the fun zone

On McLendon’s incredibly scientific graph, women who fall somewhere between a 5 and an 8 on the hot scale are available for fun times provided they don’t also broach the separating line over into the crazy red zone. Now, you’ll notice that eights can get away with being slightly crazier than fives. This is just, like, the basic rules of feminism.

The problem is, you don’t want to settle down with those mid rangers because what you actually want is to move towards something a little more permanent - preferably with a 9 or a 10. These are the kinds of women you’ll introduce your friends and family to, sometimes even as your girlfriend and not just a homeless woman who lives outside your house. But here’s the thing - if their craziness hovers somewhere between a 5 and a 7 - which is practically sane in woman terms - you might even want to make that crazy lady your wife.

So take your time and enjoy the fun zone, but don’t spend all your quarters at the arcade.

 

4. Highway to the Danger Zone

There’s a type of woman so crazy, so terrifying, that she needs to be avoided by men who keep pens in their top left pocket at all cost. That type of woman lives in the Danger Zone. Redheads, strippers, women named Tiffani - we’re all super crazy. If you get mixed up with one of us, you’re opening yourself up to all kinds of just like, drama and stuff. Cars being keyed, bunnies in pots, your tyres slashed...you might even wind up in jail.

You might be tempted, lord knows you’ll be tempted. But is it worth it, just to see whether or not the rumours are true that firecrotches actually shoot flames from their nethers after coitus to permanently destroy their mate’s junk? Besides, I only did that once and I missed anyway because women are lousy shots.

 

5. Dude looks like a lady!

Do you know what? In the parlance of internet speak, I can’t even with this one. I just can’t even. It was a f--king terrible exercise in misogynist humour in the first place, and then McLendon - who actually has a girl’s name, by the way - rutted it into even lower depths of offensiveness with his reference to ‘trannies’ and ‘dudes dressed as women’.

McLendon seems to think there’s nothing funnier than the kind of really obnoxious transphobia which leads to trans women being murdered for ‘tricking’ unsuspecting men into finding them attractive. That mocking the mental health of women - both cis and trans - is so deeply original and hilarious that he should have every right to stand there and talk about which kinds of women deserve to be respected and which don’t while he has a fucking gun strapped to his belt, and then link it to Reddit: The Red Pill so all the deeply disturbed men who frequent that message board can wax lyrical about how goddamn accurate the whole thing is.

But look, that’s probably just my crazy talking. I am a redhead after all and it’s a science fact that we’re unhinged.

Women, hey?! Can’t live with them. Can’t always get away with shooting them.

 

71 comments

  • " Lord knows you will be tempted "
    And you will never forget. I knew one who gave a chap her card after sexual congress!

    Commenter
    Barry
    Date and time
    August 05, 2014, 8:22AM
    • This fellow is not only inappropriate, but he is reinforcing the stereotypes which drive commerce. Take a look at music videos, commercials etc only hot bodies, increasingly revealed. As for crazy, well adolescents are just so conservative. His is not only an old message, but it is what drives the commercial world, and, for conservatives, the only one that counts. User pays, and who would pay for ugly and whacky?

      Commenter
      Jonathan
      Location
      Miranda
      Date and time
      August 05, 2014, 8:35AM
      • There's stupid videos about everything on youtube - literally everything.

        Let's not give them any more airtime than they deserve by writing news articles about them.

        It only serves to give those videos a scrap of credibility when they deserve none.

        As Lisa Simpson (probably the most influential feminist I know) once sang "just don't look, just don't look" and the monsters will disappear on their own. Don't feed a troll and it will find another bridge to lurk under.

        Commenter
        Adrian
        Location
        Letilovic
        Date and time
        August 05, 2014, 8:53AM
        • It's nice to imagine this is the case, but the whole point is that - while this particular video might go away - we hear "jokes" like this all the time. Another one that seems to not be dying is the sandwich "joke".
          Obviously normal people aren't making them but even those of us who are careful not to hang around chauvinists seem to here them with alarming frequency nonetheless!

          Commenter
          Dana (a girl)
          Location
          Sydney
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 10:12AM
        • True enough but I think the "hot/crazy" matrix has quite a lot of currency. And the trannies etc bit at the bottom makes this one particularly odious given the very real dangers they face trying to live a normal life. Sometimes I don't understand why a particular meme has been dragged out from relative obscurity for discussion but this one is instantly familiar.

          Commenter
          Nick
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 10:44AM
        • There's are 70 000 people subbed to the sub reddit he produced this for, it's not a small group, and that sub reddit is just the tip of the iceberg. Just not looking won't make them go away, and will leave women more vulnerable to their garbage through not knowing what to look out for.

          Commenter
          Erikah
          Location
          Brisbane
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 12:21PM
        • While 70,000 subscribers might seem like an avalanche, it's worth pointing out that Reddit gets 114 million unique visitors a month. The subscribers of that sub comprise 0.006% of the number of individual people who visit Reddit. In a month. It's also 10% of the subscribers of a single feminist sub like twoXchromosomes. While objectionable views are objectionable, it's worth observing that this is a tiny, tiny minority with almost no influence.

          Commenter
          was public now private
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 1:20PM
        • I personally think that feminist writers would do themselves many favours by spending less time engaging in "tit for tat" with their detractors and rather publish materials of real interest to the general public.

          It is hard to engage a wider audience when so much time is spent responding to what haters have to say.

          I can't believe I'm about to say it, but its true HATERS GONNA HATE. So let them hate.

          Can't we rise above and talk about the things that really matter? This ridiculous video is barely a blip in context of the real issues the world is facing of which feminism, I believe, holds many answers.

          yet here we are, discussing a youtube video.

          Commenter
          Adrian
          Location
          Sydney
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 2:26PM
        • @Adrian

          You don't have to be here and you don't have to read these articles but it's what you choose to do.

          I actually don't care if it's not your thing but geez don't you think we're tired of being told what should be important to us? It's an article and a pretty funny one at that. There's no lynch mob.

          Commenter
          Ripley
          Location
          Hunting Aliens
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 2:58PM
        • @ was public now private

          It's disingenuous to compare a non default sub like TRP with a default like TwoX. Everyone who makes an account on the site is automatically subbed to TwoX and counted among their numbers unless they actively unsub, whereas all members of TRP had to actively choose to go there and subscribe.

          It would be fairer to compare TwoX at 700 000 subscribers with another default sub, say Gaming which has 5.5 million members, and is so hostile to women that the reddit site admins have advised women don't use the sub because of the open hostility. Again at 70k subs as a non default TRP is the tip of the iceberg, the other parts of which you can see in plenty of other places around reddit.

          Commenter
          Erikah
          Location
          Brisbane
          Date and time
          August 05, 2014, 3:32PM

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