You know what almost never gets old? Jokes about hot, crazy women. No, it’s true. Because while the rest of us have adhered to the linear laws of time and physics and moved forward into the 21st century, those jokes are still enjoying an extended adolescence back in the way-back of 1975. To get an idea of what it looks like there (I’m imagining a sort of grainy, Hipstomatic filter, a lot of terry towelling shorts and the vague-yet-persistent aroma of VB) we might ask YouTube comedian and social anthropologist, Dana McLendon.
McLendon recently spent actual time and energy coming up with ‘The Universal Hot Crazy Matrix: A Man’s Guide to Women’. He drew a graph for it and everything. I didn’t really get it, but that might just be the limitations of my woman-brain and its inability to process the complicated wit of sexist japery. So I asked a man to explain it to me, and he told me that McLendon was riffing on the correlation between a woman’s ‘hotness’ and her level of crazy.
“But I don’t understand?” I said to my authoritative male friend, with what I hoped was a simplistic coquettishness befitting of my gender.
“That’s because you’re not hot,” he told me, authoritatively, patting me on the shoulder with the edge of his fingertips.
“True,” I agreed, before cutting his head off, because I was still crazy.
So I watched McLendon’s video again. Here are some of the lessons I learned:
1. All women are at least a little bit crazy
Over at the Woman Factory, units are programmed to be at least a 4 on the 1-10 scale of crazy. The real tragedy is that when we get sent to the shops for purchasing, there’s no indicator of which personality we’ve been programmed with. How do you know if you’re getting a manageable 4 or even a 5 instead of one of those barking mad 7 or 8 models? You don’t.
This is just one of the many examples of how society discriminates against men. Maybe even the worst example.
2. Men have strict standards
Women who fall between 0-5 on the hot measurement of the scale fall in the ‘No Go Zone’. According to the serial killer presenting the video, “You do not hang around, date and marry women who are not at least, in our mind, a 5.”
Because you have to put a value on yourself, fellas - and I think we can all agree that if you’re the kind of person who makes sexist graphs for companies that teach people how to shoot guns, then you deserve if not the very best, then at least 50% of it. It’s an equality worth fighting for.
3. Holiday in the fun zone
On McLendon’s incredibly scientific graph, women who fall somewhere between a 5 and an 8 on the hot scale are available for fun times provided they don’t also broach the separating line over into the crazy red zone. Now, you’ll notice that eights can get away with being slightly crazier than fives. This is just, like, the basic rules of feminism.
The problem is, you don’t want to settle down with those mid rangers because what you actually want is to move towards something a little more permanent - preferably with a 9 or a 10. These are the kinds of women you’ll introduce your friends and family to, sometimes even as your girlfriend and not just a homeless woman who lives outside your house. But here’s the thing - if their craziness hovers somewhere between a 5 and a 7 - which is practically sane in woman terms - you might even want to make that crazy lady your wife.
So take your time and enjoy the fun zone, but don’t spend all your quarters at the arcade.
4. Highway to the Danger Zone
There’s a type of woman so crazy, so terrifying, that she needs to be avoided by men who keep pens in their top left pocket at all cost. That type of woman lives in the Danger Zone. Redheads, strippers, women named Tiffani - we’re all super crazy. If you get mixed up with one of us, you’re opening yourself up to all kinds of just like, drama and stuff. Cars being keyed, bunnies in pots, your tyres slashed...you might even wind up in jail.
You might be tempted, lord knows you’ll be tempted. But is it worth it, just to see whether or not the rumours are true that firecrotches actually shoot flames from their nethers after coitus to permanently destroy their mate’s junk? Besides, I only did that once and I missed anyway because women are lousy shots.
5. Dude looks like a lady!
Do you know what? In the parlance of internet speak, I can’t even with this one. I just can’t even. It was a f--king terrible exercise in misogynist humour in the first place, and then McLendon - who actually has a girl’s name, by the way - rutted it into even lower depths of offensiveness with his reference to ‘trannies’ and ‘dudes dressed as women’.
McLendon seems to think there’s nothing funnier than the kind of really obnoxious transphobia which leads to trans women being murdered for ‘tricking’ unsuspecting men into finding them attractive. That mocking the mental health of women - both cis and trans - is so deeply original and hilarious that he should have every right to stand there and talk about which kinds of women deserve to be respected and which don’t while he has a fucking gun strapped to his belt, and then link it to Reddit: The Red Pill so all the deeply disturbed men who frequent that message board can wax lyrical about how goddamn accurate the whole thing is.
But look, that’s probably just my crazy talking. I am a redhead after all and it’s a science fact that we’re unhinged.
Women, hey?! Can’t live with them. Can’t always get away with shooting them.