How to restore Australia to its former glory

One-woman cabinet: PM Tony Abbott has announced he will take personal responsibility for women's issues. Photo: Andrew Meares

One-woman cabinet: PM Tony Abbott has announced he will take personal responsibility for women's issues. Photo: Andrew Meares

It’s been almost two weeks since Tony Abbott stood before the nation, the proud winner of So You Think You Can Prime Minister? Now that the votes have been counted, the confetti swept up and the virginal dresses of his support crew sent off to the dry cleaners, it’s time to get down to business.

Part of what endeared Abbott to the viewers was his fondness for three word slogans that appear easy to understand but on closer inspection actually reveal nothing. And so, Tones has pledged to ‘cut the fat’, which in Prime Ministerial speak means, ‘fire a crapload of people’. Don’t worry though, they’re only public servants and everyone knows they don’t deserve jobs.

Where else would a good Prime Ministerial victor start with simplifying things but with the Ministries, with their overblown titles and ‘goal setting’? Australians don’t want all those bloody words filling up their heads. We’re a simple folk. We like beer, football and boobs in that order and we don’t care to analyse it. Tones knows this, which is why we can now proudly face the world and show off the fact we no longer have a Minister for Science, but we’ve still got one for Sport. ‘Straya!

Tony Abbott speaking at the Singleton Rugby Club  luncheon.

Tony Abbott speaking at the Singleton Rugby Club luncheon. Photo: Phil Hearne

Personally, I don’t reckon Old Mate PM’s gone far enough on this though. Don’t get me wrong - I support cutting namby pamby portfolios about things like ‘climate change’ (more like cLIEmate change, am I right?) and ‘mental health’. In my day, people just got on with things. Sure, they may have been miserably depressed and consumed by the Darkness That Knows No Form, but they didn’t bloody well have to whinge about it all the time like a bloody whoopsie. Gay.


But I reckon there’s room to add a couple of things. You know, restore Australia to its former glory - to a time when white, heterosexual men of privilege didn’t have to be afraid to speak their minds, or apologise for giving the tea lady an affectionate swat on the bottom and telling her you like her muffins. By all means, trim the fat of wasteful rubbish like ‘saving the environment’ (you gotta build out to grow up, people!) but let’s consider honouring some of the following by giving them their own portfolios.


1. Ministry for Ironing and Cleaning

Those people who accuse Tones of not getting women need to do their bloody research, mate. Tony loves women, which is why he so famously expressed concern for how the carbon tax would drive up their electricity bills what with all that ironing we’re always doing. Oh, and you feminazis will shriek and squeal all you like, but we all know that you’re just bitter that you don’t have a man to iron shirts for. Because men and women are different, see? It doesn’t mean they’re not equal - but women are probably better suited to things like physiotherapy and housework, while men are suited to running things. That’s why the Minister for Ironing and Cleaning has to be a man - because they delegate. And they’re good with numbers, so they can help you add up all of the collars you still have left to do.


2. Ministry for Mateship

Nothing spells A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A better than M-A-T-E-S-H-I-P. We love our mates here, but not in that way. The Ministry for Mateship would celebrate all of the beautiful friendship that’s characterised by the good old Aussie larrikin spirit. Like masculinised mythology, and men’s only sporting leagues with their men’s only pay checks. The Ministry for Mateship recognises that part of what makes Australia great is how feverishly it embraces alcoholic male bonding. Let’s bring back foxy boxing and jelly wrestling, gentlemen’s only networking clubs and socially acceptable group sex in which there’s only one woman and no one talks to her! It’s mateship, mate. Because you can’t spell friendships without ‘pissed’.


3. Ministry for Marriage

Real marriage, I mean. Not that other ‘fashionable’ marriage. The gay kind where no one knows who’s the man or who’s the woman. How can you get married if you don’t know which one’s supposed to throw the bouquet? No, the Ministry for Marriage would make it easier [read: harder] to get out of love contracts once you’ve made the mistake of getting into them. God created marriage so that men could come home at the end of the day to a clean house and scotch, and a piping hot dinner on the table when he’s ready for it. He didn’t create marriage so that women could keep their own names and insist on working even though they’ve already achieved their life’s goal of procreating. All this freedom puts funny ideas into women’s heads, and as a delicate species they’re not properly equipped to handle the pressures of the world at large. It’s because they’re physiologically different, see. Anyway, the Ministry for Marriage would put a stop to all that rubbish. Headed up by Barnaby Joyce (who knows that marriage offers the best protection to women, against what I’m not particularly sure but that’s Barns for you), the Ministry for Marriage is the first step to fixing Australia and sending it back to the good old days of 1956. 

Which is a handy coincidence, given that the newly appointed Minister for Sport is back there too, busily preparing for the upcoming Melbourne Olympics.

Good thing Abbott’s building all those roads. Cars! It’s the future!



  • Didn't Anne Summers clearly state that mockery of Gillard by men was a form of sexism? So how is such a personal attack on Abbott acceptable?
    At least we will probably see better sports funding and health policies on obesity that may benefit all Australians, and maybe reduce our health bill.

    Date and time
    September 20, 2013, 7:55AM
    • You see David... he is white and heterosexual and.... a MALE! It is acceptable to say anything you like about him. Not just him. ALL OF THEM.

      It's not like white, heterosexual males ever did anything for society ;)

      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 10:06AM
    • Yeah it follows in the same general vein that nothing you say can be construed racist against a white person, and nothing you say against a man can be construed sexist, and nothing you say against a right winger can be construed derogatory either.

      bring back the 50's
      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 11:10AM
    • As a white middle aged middle class Australian i actually feel more bullet proof now then i did when I was twenty. I hate Abbott, I hate the liberal party but because of the three traits i mentioned previously nothing they do will affect my lifestyle its too late. Sadly I can't say the same for m children and future grandchildren.

      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 1:28PM
    • 1. It's not mere mockery that is sexist. Many men mocked Gillard in ways that emphasised her sex. Clementine is not mocking Abbott for being a man, but for being a sexist and an idiot,

      2. Reasonable people understand that "isms" attach to behaviour by people who enjoy a particular privilege against those who don't. Men do not suffer from the same entrenched disadvantages that women do. White people do not suffer from the same entrenched disadvantages that black people do. As for what “Bring back the ‘50s” says, an attack on a right-winger is not an “ism”. It’s called “catering to your audience”. The Age is a left-wing newspaper.

      3. Being a feminist does not preclude liking men. Feminism seeks equality which is ultimately good for everyone. What makes individual feminists dislike individual men is some men's complete blindness to their privilege, which makes them think that an attack on a woman for being a woman is equivalent to an attack on a man for being sexist.

      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 2:47PM
  • I chortled at all the pretty strawmen which perfectly exemplify the author's writing. Hate on, I say.

    Freddie Frog
    Date and time
    September 20, 2013, 7:57AM
    • Good thing Labor built all those trains. Oh, they didn't, and never would have. They spent the billions on propping up a property bubble, that you now, will have to pay for.

      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 8:14AM
      • "Good thing Abbott’s building all those roads. Cars! It’s the future!"

        As far as I can ascertain this is the only remotely pertinent and valid comment you've made about The Rabbit in this article.

        The people of western Sydney should get organised and start hammering down Fatty O'Barrell's electorate door - and Abbots's.

        The incredible waste of public money that Westconnex represents on what is totally unsustainable and unmeritorious road is unbelievable. It will expand traffic congestion exponentially when built, make crossing suburbs near impossible and generally cost many millions to run.

        It puts much more freight ON the roads, not off as well as grossly exacerbating general traffic conditions. Westconnex is an open running sore on Sydney.

        Date and time
        September 20, 2013, 10:01AM
    • Really Clementine, I'm not sure what the problem is. We all know that women are so much better than men (I believe the unofficial ratio is 50 to 1, assuming the men are white heterosexual. However, I believe this ratio declines proportionately with the non whiteness and non heterosexualness of the male). Surely our one and only female cabinet minister is more than adequate amongst a bunch of idiot men lead by Tony Abbott. What an idiot is Tony Abbott. Surely one woman would more than compensate for such a lack luster performance by men. C'mon girl (no pun intended as I know these things are frowned upon these days and we should be free to cum regardless of gender) you're doing your bit, writing these cutting edge articles, getting mad at the internet, raging against male genitals. I'm just curious whether you'll be so keen for equality if the tables were turned. I think not.

      Date and time
      September 20, 2013, 8:36AM
      • Forget the minister for Ironing - we need a minister for wash and wear.

        Instead of a minister for mateship, a minister for men and boys that could tackle the high male suicide rate, the low university attendance and shorter life span of males in Australia. Men are less happy and lead shorter lives than women, but hey, money is more important than health and happiness, right? While we are at it we could address the violence that affects everyone in society and how to channel natural male aggression into constructive and not destructive activities.

        A minister for marriage is a good idea, right now marriage is a disaster in Australia (not just mine), high divorce rates, domestic violence (both men and women), child abuse and child custody. This is an on-going human tragedy that impacts everyone - not just women.

        As for roads and cars, tell me you are not bitter because there will be no more Fords made?

        Date and time
        September 20, 2013, 8:59AM

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