How to lose your virginity

Even in our cloud of overly analytical, Dawson’s Creek-style naivety, we could foresee potential future complications.

Even in our cloud of overly analytical, Dawson’s Creek-style naivety, we could foresee potential future complications.

Sometime around the turn of the millennium, my friends I were talking over lunch about a subject much beloved by the time rich and experience poor: S-E-X. The exact topic of our conversation? When we would lose our virginities. Not how old we thought we would be at the time (although we’d covered that too, in previous discussions), but which precise act would mark the transition from innocent ingénue to sexual debutante.


In the movies we saw, the magazines we read, and the teen soaps we would watch for guidance and emotional catharsis, sex looked so simple. Girl meets boy. Girl and boy flirt a bit, fall in love, make out enthusiastically in movie theatres and on park benches and then one day, after an appropriate length of time date, some mature discussion and condoms procured (thank you, Dolly Doctor!), they would have sex.



Easy, right? Formulaic, even. But even in our cloud of overly analytical, Dawson’s Creek-style naivety, we could foresee potential future complications. What if the penis only went part-way in? Were you still a virgin then? What if you started doing it, but one of you decided to stop before either of you orgasmed? What if your first time was with a girl? Would you stay a virgin forever? It wasn’t that we wanted to make sure we stayed “pure”, so much as we wanted to be able to pinpoint the moment that everything would change, and we would go from boyfriendless wonders to sophisticated, sexually experienced women.


If only we had been privy to the work of Therese Shechter. A forty-something independent filmmaker born in Canada and based out of Brooklyn, Shechter and her film How To Lose Your Virginity are part of a new vanguard of feminist thinkers and media makers (think The Purity Myth’s Jessica Valenti, Lena Chen of The Chicktionary or historian Hanne Blank) seeking to redefine how we think about virginity. Or better yet, to do away with the concept altogether.


“Almost everyone loses their virginity at some point,” explains Shechter. “It’s a really major milestone in our lives. But the things we understand and believe about virginity affect us in ways we’re not always aware of. Virginity is tied up with so many myths, misconceptions and value judgements.”


What it signifies depends on who is - or isn’t - doing the deed. For many teenagers, virginity is bound up with ideas around maturity, rebellion and coming of age. Sex is something that adults do, and that children are forbidden to do; ergo, once you have sex, you are an adult. For teenage girls, that thrill comes with a bitter twist: resist sex and you risk being labelled a prude, but do it too soon or in the “wrong” relationship, and you risk being labelled a slut. At a certain point, be it 16 or 36, to not be sexually active is to be marked out as somehow suspect: out of step with both the times and the people around you.


Shechter’s own interest in virginity and its discontents emerged as a response to the abstinence movement, which has been a hot-button political issue in the US for over a decade now. ““I was appalled by how women were being shamed and punished for being sexual,” she recalls. “Abstinence education teaches young men and women to wait until marriage to have sex, but the tactics used are shame and sexism and bad science.”


But Shechter’s work has also been met with enthusiasm from other, more unexpected quarters. “We have a First Person section on our blog, where people share stories about their ‘sexual debuts or deferrals’. Every time I ran a post on older virgins, I would get a flood of comments and emails. I realised that people were not only being shamed for having sex, but for not having it. You couldn’t really win. Whether you’re supposed to be having sex or not having sex, those decisions mark you in some way.”


The United States has a notoriously fraught relationship with sexuality: think the recent congressional hearings over birth control, “purity balls”, at which teen and pre-teen girls promise make a promise to their fathers and god that they will remain virgins until they marry, or the aforementioned abstinence education programs.


But the questions Shechter, Valenti and Chen raise are also relevant in comparatively liberal sexual landscape of Australia, says Sydney-based feminist commentator Nina Funnell. “While purity rings and purity balls have not taken off big in Australia, our culture still fetishises female virginity. Politicians talk about their daughter's hymens as ‘precious gifts’. Girls’ magazine editors may not tell teenagers to ‘wait till marriage’ but they still treat virginity as ‘something special’ to be ‘shared with the right person’.” And while the intent of such advice might be to encourage young people to make sexual decisions that are medically and emotionally safe, they also have the effect of elevating one specific form of sexual interaction – penis in vagina intercourse – over all others.


But times are changing, and by some accounts, at least, teens today may be more confused about what does and doesn’t constitute “virginity” that they were even ten or fifteen years ago. In How To Lose Your Virginity, Shechter speaks to Susan Schulz, editor-in-chief of CosmoGirl!, who says the magazine receives countless letters from readers unsure of whether or not they still have their “V plates”.


Tempting though it may be to put such queries down to inadequate sex education, they could equally spring from its opposite. The more you know about sex, after all, the less it seems like a simple, penis-in-vagina only deal. And the less entwined virginity becomes with one particular act, the less clear it becomes what it is and is not. In a 2010 essay for The Monthly, Emily Maguire quoted 17-year-old Sydneysider Kelly, who says: “Everybody knows hymens can break from all kinds of things. It doesn’t mean anything. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m a virgin, and having a doctor say ‘Oh yes, you’re still sealed up’ wouldn’t make a difference to that.” And so it was for me: when I eventually did lose my virginity in the teen movie, Dolly Doctor type way, it felt significant, but no more so than any of the other sexual experiences I’d had before it.


So, is it time to do away with the “V” word altogether? Shechter suggests replacing it with another, less loaded term: “sexual debut”. “That’s really what all of this is about,” she says. “I’d like people to be able to say to themselves, ‘I feel like a sexual person now’ without hanging it to a particular act. Or to just let the process happen without defining it.”


How To Lose Your Virginity will be released in 2013. To find out more, or to be a part of its completion, click here.

8 comments so far

  • Best time is when you feel it's right for you. Not because you feel pressured, and not because all your friends are doing it. If it feels right, it probably is... for you. Easy as.

    Welsh Dog
    Date and time
    May 08, 2012, 8:55AM
    • To steal the tag line of a well known sports apparel brand

      'Just Do It'

      Date and time
      May 08, 2012, 11:02AM
      • The author has a keen sense of the appropriateness of phrases "Virginity is tied up with so many myths, misconceptions" and losing same "is tied up with so many Misses and conceptions".

        "How To Lose Your Virginity will be released in 2013. To find out more, or to be a part of its completion..."
        This should be fun, being "...part of its completion" should be a pervs as well as a fundamental religious (nutters) paradise. At least the perv would be the honest one in admitting why they went.

        New England Region
        Date and time
        May 08, 2012, 11:53AM
        • I've always found it strange that a females virginity is more important than a males.
          "Sowing your wild oats" was a male statement when I was growing up. Double standards, how can we ever forget Tony Abbott embarrassing his daughters re their trophies.
          And yes the USA has some strange grips on sexuality/religion.
          Thank goodness the purity pledges haven't overtaken reality here. Although there does seem to be a resurgence in Debutante Balls in regional Oz, just recently some communities have renamed them to Progression Balls. But the girls still dress in virginal white,all rather odd.
          Just do it when you want to, not when someone else expects you to - and the same rule applies to both sexes. But be prepared with contraception.

          no need
          Date and time
          May 08, 2012, 12:51PM
          • Apologies if this was covered in the article, I blurred only half a paragraph in and went to the last few sentences... but,
            I always refuse to say "lost virginity". It's not lost. It didn't fall out of my pocket while walking down the street. I didn't lose my virginity, I gave it away - and I know who I gave it to!
            Most people also gave their virginity away. Sadly, some have it stolen. But I am yet to meet or hear of anyone who 'lost' it.

            Date and time
            May 08, 2012, 6:06PM
            • The idea to replace the term with "sexual debut" has merit: According to the etymological dictionary "Origins", the term Virgin specifically defines "a human _female_ not yet known by a man". ('Known' in the biblical sense - i.e. to have sex with).

              In the days before antibiotics, it was logical to prize virginity, as sex with a non-virgin had significant risks attached.

              With the abstinence pendulum currently swung the other way - pretty much a "free-for-all", we are seeing a rise in sexual diseases such as herpes and chlamydia** which though they may not be fatal, still have long-term effects.

              **E.g. see

              So, though virginity (sexual debuity?) may be an extreme that is not needed, sexual selectiveness should be encouraged.

              Mario G.
              Date and time
              May 09, 2012, 3:59AM
              • virginity had value historically when the bride price was high (viz recent story for a Melbourne brothel advertising an 18yo's virginity for $10,000?) to guarantee a) no prior babies, b) no prior access and babies on the way, c) low likelihood of nasties like syphilis, which used to be a big problem, and therefore d) no arguments about inheritance of the rich guy's property/lands/kingdom.

                these days - few care except symbolically for the participants to the private act, and those guys who want to feel they have fresh turf to sow their seed and/or control.

                Date and time
                May 09, 2012, 9:44AM
                • By all means, abolish the "V" word. And while you're at it, drop the ridiculous white dress at the wedding. No one is a virgin at their wedding, so why the fake symbolism?

                  Date and time
                  May 09, 2012, 5:17PM

                  Make a comment

                  You are logged in as [Logout]

                  All information entered below may be published.

                  Error: Please enter your screen name.

                  Error: Your Screen Name must be less than 255 characters.

                  Error: Your Location must be less than 255 characters.

                  Error: Please enter your comment.

                  Error: Your Message must be less than 300 words.

                  Post to

                  You need to have read and accepted the Conditions of Use.

                  Thank you

                  Your comment has been submitted for approval.

                  Comments are moderated and are generally published if they are on-topic and not abusive.