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I am not snobby about work; I’ve been working in some capacity since the age of 13 and in that time I’ve been a cleaner, a dish pig, a driver, a phone sex operator, an office temp and even a one-time electrician’s assistant. A friend and I used to go to an Irish pub in Adelaide and interpretive ballet dance on the stage, but we weren’t paid for it. We weren’t even really asked to do it, but that’s a minor technicality. The point is, I’ll try anything once except golden showers and that coffee that uses melted butter instead of milk. But if there are no jobs to go around, what’s a lass to do?

With the Government’s proposed changes to Centrelink payments, jobseekers (particularly those under the age of 30) would be forgiven for worrying that a life of starvation and professional impotency awaits them. From July 1 2015, the worker ants in Tony Abbott’s strictly segregated Australian colony will be collectively be required to apply for more jobs than actually exist at an individual rate of 40 per month.

If it sounds harsh, it’s because it is. There are few things more ironic than a government opposed to bureaucratic red tape creating an entire system made of nothing but the stuff. But it’s not actually as dire as it seems. After all, this is Abbott’s Australia! And that means two things:

1. It’s an unapologetically regressive feudal system of governance; and

2. It’s open for business.

In the spirit of creativity (which, if you are to listen to Abbott’s Australians, actually has a monetary value in the negative), I’ve provided a list of jobs that enterprising young women can apply for in the coming years.

 

1. Position of King’s Mistress

Marriage has always been a political institution, designed to benefit patriarchal overlords via the exchange of properties and titles. Kings laugh in the face of marrying for love! After all, a love match might feel nice in the beginning but it’s unlikely to secure you an alliance with Germany. Nor does it ensure the kind of pragmatism demonstrated by sensible women who understand the benefit in accompanying their husbands to state events or visits throughout the fiefdom. You may not see them at any other point throughout the year, but that’s because their busy washing the grease of compromise from their milk bathed skin.

On the other hand, Kings are Very Important People who have the enormous task of governing communities by leaching off the hard work of peasants. It’s a pretty stressful job, and they need some downtime. Part of that downtime includes rambunctious naked play with nubile and ambitious young maidens whose young age belies their ability to expertly navigate a codpiece. It’s as legitimate a job as any, and I’ve a feeling that there are plenty of ongoing positions available in the Australian Court.

 

Where to send your applications: The Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet

 

2. Official food taster

In the feudal system, it’s not unusual for Important Leaders to be met with dastardly assassination attempts from political opponents or serfs. Consequently, it’s necessary to employ the services of food tasters to test for poison. If Joffrey Baratheon’s food taster had been available during the Purple Wedding, he wouldn’t have ended up a bloated mass of blood and froth, dead before he could even sadistically consummate his marriage to Lady Margaery Tyrell. The dreams of Cersei Lannister, dashed on the rocks of retribution.

Why not apply then to be Official Food Taster to the Office of the Prime Minister and/or the cohort of Lords and Advisors which serve him? Sure, you run the risk of consuming a fatal amuse-bouche, but the time preceding your death will be a gastronome’s delight. As an added bonus, you could probably spit in each dish before passing it on. It’s the little perks of a job that really make it enjoyable, don’t you think?

 

Where to send your applications: The Office of the Prime Minister, The Office of the Treasurer

 

3. A Knight’s Squire

As we’re retreating to feudal times, we’ll have to endure the indignity of reversing the noble goals of equal opportunity. The glories of battle and high adventure are not for the ladies, who must instead fill their days as seamstresses or old crones. This isn’t to say that you can’t sneak into the position of squire though. All you need is to embrace a look of androgyny (which is quite high fashion anyway, when you think about it) and learn how to spit (a sideways career move for previous food tasters who want to get out the game, perhaps).

 

Where to send your applications: The Australian Senate, The Australian Christian Lobby, The Australian Young Liberals

 

4. Wicked Stepmother

There are few positions of power available to women under a feudal system, save for Soothsayer and Paternal King’s bargaining chip. But if you’re willing to allow a torturous origin story turn you into a bitter, twisted woman with evil powers and an arsenal of magical implements (aka a feminist AMIRITE?!), then you can really find no better option than Wicked Stepmother.

It’s a job with a limited lifespan and an almost guaranteed sour ending, but it will keep you in furs and servants for a period of at least 16 years.

 

Where to send your applications: Frances Abbott (c/o The Whitehouse Institute)

 

5. Village Idiot

Sorry, this position has already been filled.