A guide to feminist sex positions

Date

Clementine Fords

Comic Liz Miele's stand-up act on feminist sex positions.

Comic Liz Miele's stand-up act on feminist sex positions.

If you've never heard of Liz Miele, you're about to add her to your list of Favourite Comedians Who Are Also Ball-Busting Boner Killers. Back in January, Miele caused a bit of a stir on YouTube when footage of her 'feminist sex positions' bit was picked up by a slew of websites including Cosmopolitan, the Huffington Post, Feministing and Boing Boing.

Miele's bit opens by critiquing the prominence of jokes told (usually by men) about having sex with women in really degrading ways. As Miele says, "They're always something f--ked up, like you come in her eye and it's called The Pirate". She goes on to joke, "I've been in a male dominated field for twelve years. I've heard every fucked up thing that you can do to a woman, and it's always something that ruins her hair. And I'm not okay with it anymore! I really care about my hair!"

Miele decided to turn the tables with three of her own hilarious, feminist sex positions:

1. A dude goes down on a woman. She squirts in his face. He learns to respect women. It's called The 19th Amendment.

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2. A woman rides a dude. She gets him about 30% away from an orgasm but she gets up and leaves. It's called The Equal Pay Act.

3. This is just a woman masturbating in a kitchen. A dude walks in, sad. It's called Make Your Own Dinner.

Unsurprisingly, some of the commenters on YouTube weren't too happy. According to them, Miele's jokes aren't even jokes. They're just more dumb feminist anger, and women aren't even funny anyway. Plus, jokes about sexual assault don't actually mean you want to sexually assault someone - it's just really funny to pretend that you do. See!

So because I love riling up whiny baby boys who can't change their own nappies, I decided to add some more to Miele's list.

1. Seventeen women recline on Chesterfields. Two men take turns pleasuring them and obeying their every command while scores of men wait anxiously outside to be invited in. Known as The Reverse Cabinet.

2. A carload of men catcall a woman as she walks down the street, minding her own business. She takes down their licence plate number and reports the car stolen. While the men are tied up in police inquiries, she heads home to drink a bottle of wine and have sex with her respectful other half. Also known as No, I Don't Want To Sit On Your Face.

3. A man meets a woman at a bar and they have a drink together. They get along well, so they decide to return to his house for a nightcap. At around 1am, after smooching on the couch for awhile, she announces that she has to get home because she has an early start. He calls her a cab, gives her his number and then tells her he'd love to see her again. She goes home to bed and has a slight headache in the morning, but it's quickly cured by some lazy masturbation. This position is called Women Don't Owe You Shit.

4. A man tells his girlfriend how much he wants to try anal sex. She tells him she'll think about it, and then finally agrees. When the big night comes, they light some candles, play some romantic music and then she straps on and lubes up before carefully and respectfully penetrating his butt and taking him to the end of the rainbow and back again. When it's over, they do The 19th Amendment. This one's called F--k Your Heteronormative Bullshit.

5. A man confides to his female friend that he's attracted to her. She tells him she's flattered, but she doesn't return his feelings. He feels sad about it for a few days, but manages to come to terms with it. When she introduces him to her new boyfriend, he's pleased to discover that he's genuinely happy for her, even if he has a momentary twinge of 'what if'. On Sundays, he and his female friend still meet to play cards and drink coffee. On the rare occasions when she complains about her boyfriend, he listens supportively but without design, and never finishes their meetings by logging on to the men's rights board at Reddit and complaining about how all women are bitches who get off on torturing men. When he meets a woman with whom the relationship stars align, they have regular sex that is occasionally passionate, occasionally lazy, sometimes funny and almost always satisfying. His female friend, the one he once had a crush on, has become more like a sister to him now. When she tells him that she's happy for him, he thanks her, genuinely. This move is also known as There's No Such Thing As The Friendzone.  

6. A woman has sex with a number of different men, in a variety of different positions and sometimes with no intention of seeing them ever again. Known in feminist circles as None Of Your Damn Business.