The Honeymoonsters

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So we learned a couple of weeks ago that you can’t kill a White Walker with a sword.

For the non-Thrones watchers among us, it’s the same as trying to kill a werewolf with a block of cheese (unless of course it’s lactose intolerant).

These cretins need something more specific, like a silver bullet, a stake in the heart or a shard of dragon glass.

But there are some villains that, like superbugs, have outsmarted the antibiotic.

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Take brides, for example.

There’s the Bridechilla. From the moment the sparkler hugs its left ring finger life-partner, she kicks back and celebrates by cranking out her first wedding themed board on Pinterest and changing her relationship status on Facebook.

Then you have your classic cray-cray Bridezilla. At least with the Bridezilla, the madness is time-sensitive.

While the Bridezilla is in her micro-managing bad behaviour conniption - demanding everything, including having the bridesmaids sign contracts to not put on weight or that any holiday, illness, emergency, family death or occurrence of every day life until the Big Day must now be approved by her - you grin and bear the out-of-character belligerence (and unbelievable focus on sourcing burlap and Mason jars) because we know that that very same day is also the use-by date.

However, sometimes the sun simply going down on the Big Day isn’t enough to kill off the Bridezilla.

In this era of 24-hour connectivity, where there's a smartphone in every pocket, a Facebook status update in every encounter a photo or video of some kind uploaded to Instagram, Snapchat, Vine or Tumblr - the Bridezilla is the least of our (First World) problems.

What we have now, is The Honeymoonster - or as I call it – The Newlydread.

The difference is that while the Bridezilla wants to manage the wedding as an event, The Newlydread wants to manage the way the wedding, and anything tenuously connected to the wedding - and beyond - is documented on social media. Not theirs. Yours.

So how do you know you’re dealing with one?

When you discover your newsfeeds are choking with the following…

  • Engagement photo shoots
  • Pre-wedding photo shoots
  • Pre-wedding boudoir photo shoots
  • Morning-after photo shoot
  • Trash the Dress photo shoot
  • Constant stream of honeymoon updates to Twitter and Facebook through Instagram and Tumblr.
  • Facebook honeymoon photo albums divided into Day One, Day Two or other kinds of sub-category.

Other things Newlydreads like are…

  • Strict enforcement of an ‘unplugged’ wedding (where use of smartphones and all social media is banned so everyone can be ‘truly present’ in the moment)
  • A ‘no uploading of photos of the wedding before the bride’ rule
  • There will usually be a professionally attended photobooth at the wedding
  • Proper tagging (and systematic untagging) of guests’ pictures after they’re uploaded to social media – this could also include the use of a special hashtag (crikey O’Reilly, I had one of them at my wedding.. eek!)
  • Post-production work on honeymoon photos

This kind of image management is at a varsity level we would normally expect from a Kardashian.

So why is the Newlydread doing this, what are they getting out of it?

It goes beyond a simple acknowledgment, ‘like’ or retweet. Clogging your newsfeeds well after the 'I dos' became the I dids is all about control.

Whether you were at the wedding or not, The Newlydread wants to influence when and how it will be documented and consumed… and what better way than through the image-driven platform of social media?

The only thing that will remedy this kind of villainous hijacking is time. Time will slowly water down the social haemophilia from the Newlydread and they will eventually realise that even they have to knock it off at some point.

If this doesn’t seem to work - sit tight. Any current Newlydread will always be overthrown by the up-and-coming Newlydread.

There is, of course, another way of dealing with it.

If you don’t want to ‘unfriend’ them, there is a clever little button called ‘hide’.

It’s better than dragon glass.

This story first appeared on Wry Bride, republished with permission.

14 comments so far

  • "A ‘no uploading of photos of the wedding before the bride’ rule"

    I disagree with this one being a Bridezilla/Newlydreads thing. I'm about to get married in a couple of weeks and of course I don't want people put up photos of me before I've had a chance to do it myself. I do want to be the first person to put a photo (and it'll probably be some terrible selfie!). I don't think that's at all weird or making me out to be a bridezilla.

    I also don't want people fiddling with their phones during the ceremony. Not because of some "be there in the moment" thing but because it's plain rude! How hard is it to give two people your full attention for about 20 minutes? The world won't end because you're not tweeting or facebooking. You won't miss anything.

    Commenter
    lauren
    Date and time
    July 17, 2013, 10:09AM
    • Well according to this definition unfortunately you are a newlydread! I have to say I agree. Why insist on a rule of no photos before you get to put one up. Seems a little over the top if you ask me

      Commenter
      James
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 11:18AM
    • Well I am getting married in a few weeks too. I cant see a problem with other uploading photos... I doubt I would even be bothered to 'take a selfie' and upload it on the day. I will be too excited to marry the man I have loved for the last 8 years and looking forward to tearing it up on the dancefloor with our awful choreographed dance moves and 'secret' hand shake...
      Have a little fun with the whole day... take a chill pill... For me, its just a wedding, a beautiful tradition (that anyone who is in love and wants to celebrate it in this way deserves) It is not nearly as important as the next '100' years we plan to love, fight, laugh and play with each other. We plan to continue our crazy, bad, embarrassing dance moves and having fun in life together... wedding 'selfies' pale into insignificance when you start thinking about the big picture....

      Commenter
      Engaged
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 11:34AM
    • I see it as a privacy thing more than a bridezilla thing. I have a no loading images of me onto social media without my consent policy even when its not my wedding.

      Commenter
      Ella
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 12:10PM
    • Hmph... I object to two things out of 12 and I'm a newlydread? Right, uh huh. (But funny how people only commented on the photography thing and not the fiddling with your phone thing...)

      All I want is the chance to sit with my friends during the ceremony and have a look at the photos they took before they put them up on FB. I'm actually hoping to collect them all and put them into a online gallery. I just don't want people facebooking and tweeting during the ceremony. The ceremony is such a tiny part of the entire day and I don't think it's that extreme to ask that people pay attention. If you're putting a photo up on FB, you're not paying attention. If that makes me a bridezilla, then I guess I am but I thought it was about manners and having a little respect for other people.

      Commenter
      lauren
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 12:31PM
    • I'm a guy who went to a wedding recently and saw iphone happy snaps from guests up on FB before the reception had even finished. I raised an eyebrow myself as surely you'd wait and let the bride put selections from their professional photographer up??

      Commenter
      Evan
      Location
      Stamore
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 2:29PM
  • Wait until they have children...

    Commenter
    Anita
    Location
    Sydney
    Date and time
    July 17, 2013, 11:17AM
    • let the couple do their own thing.Let them pay their own way for the honeymoon unless its a gift , in which case they get what theyre given or its discussed--whatever--but butt out.

      Commenter
      Kane
      Date and time
      July 17, 2013, 11:42AM
      • do these people really exist? i get the feeling i'm moving in the wrong circles and missing out, somehow.

        Commenter
        husband of the year
        Location
        melb
        Date and time
        July 17, 2013, 11:45AM
        • "A ‘no uploading of photos of the wedding before the bride’ rule"

          I WISH I had thought to ask this of the guests at my wedding! Before the reception was even finished, some really thoughtless individuals had uploaded and tagged dozens of unflattering photos on their various pages, so every man and his dog could see them. I had been really looking forward to choosing one nice shot and putting it up, never imagining that others would be so intrusive and disrespectful as to do it first without so much as asking us if we minded.

          Commenter
          Red Pony
          Date and time
          July 17, 2013, 12:00PM

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