Anna Kendrick in Happy Christmas parties a little too hard in one memorable party scene.
It’s happened to the best of us. One minute you’re politely sipping bubbly and making stilted conversation with people you’ve just met. Next thing you’re gyrating on the side of the beer pong table and licking the beer pong balls seductively before clumsily flinging them nowhere in the direction of a row of awaiting red plastic cups.
You’ve become the drunkest person at the party, and you barely know anyone.
People are starting to whisper to each other ‘who is that girl?’ and even your boyfriend is pretending he doesn’t know you. To make matters worse, it’s a 90s party and you’re dressed like Britney Spears in Hit me baby one more time, and you’re suddenly channeling Bad Britney and ready to shave your head and lash out at some paps.
So you wake up the next morning, covered in a thin film of grime, sweat, something that might, maybe smell like vomit and of course, shame.
What to do?
There are some important tips for getting through the aftermath, and luckily for you, I have hypothetically road tested them all. Here is your survival guide.
The people you don’t remember meeting
During your night, while you were still in the ‘fun, happy’ phase of your night, you no doubt met some interesting and worthwhile people. Unfortunately, once you slipped into ‘I LOVE THIS SOOOOOONG!!!’ girl, you totally forgot about them and their respective names, careers, interests and faces. Over the course of the next six months every time you are met with a friend of a friend who could have possibly been at that party, you’ll have to lead with ‘Have we already met …?’ – just in case you did meet them that night. It may seem superfluous, but trust me, while you might not remember their faces– they will definitely remember your face (it was the one they saw slack jawed, brows furrowed in concentration as you attempted for the 67th time to flip your flip cup).
The property you damaged
As you demonstrated the Dirty Dancing lift with some chap with poor core strength, you may have overshot the runway, missed his flailing outstretched arms and you may have actually flown through the air, landing in a pile of wine glasses (thankfully you were not badly injured, a few scrapes here and there). Or it’s possible that you felt an urge to purge the extraneous fluids in your stomach, spraying the host’s white duvet with your margarita pizza dinner. Either way, if you broke it you bought it – clean it, replace it, return it – preferably in the middle of the night dressed as a ninja.
The things you said
Loose lips sink ships, and based on your performance the whole Australian Navy has just gone down. You’ve spilled almost as many secrets as you have cheap beer all over the floor. How to plug the leaks? This one is quite tricky, but will involve you telling more fake secrets to flood the hypothetical secret market with so many secrets that the value of the other (real) secrets goes down. Simple supply and demand, people. The other option is procuring one of those Men In Black memory eraser things, but in my experience they are mostly just pens with lasers in them.
Pretend there was a reason for your bad behavior
When confronted about your performance, there is the possibility of blaming it on some sort of external event that caused you to get a little out of control. Now I’m not suggesting you pull out the old ‘my cat died’ excuse or anything morbid like that – how about, it was research for an upcoming article I was planning to write?
Sounds plausible enough to me.