Adequate: the new 'excellent' for mums

<i></i>

Twice in one day I heard the following comments from mums that are doing a great job looking after their families. “I am not the mother I thought I would be”, and “I feel like I am doing everything badly.”

My advice? “Lower your expectations!”

Whether you’re a stay-at-home-mother managing the infinite demands of family life, or a working mum juggling professional and family responsibilities, the same sense of guilt pervades us. We tend to feel that we could be parenting better; more books, less TV, more craft, less shouting, more nutritious meals, less sugar…. the list is endless.

When my third child was born earlier this year, and my eldest had not yet turned three, I decided to focus on the bare minimum. The bare minimum method of mothering is about survival only and anything else is a bonus. Experience has taught me that keeping all three children happy at the same time is an unrealistic ambition. If two out of three are content, things are going well. If all three are happy then I consider myself an over-achiever!

Advertisement

I've also learned to lower my expectations and standards. I can easily distinguish between what’s essential and what’s not, and I am urging all mothers to get on board with being “adequate.”

I remember visiting a baby shop during my first pregnancy. The extent of baby infrastructure in this shop was overwhelming. I picked up a list from the counter that listed items under “essential” and “nice to have.”  The essential items from this high-end store would have sent us broke, but I think it’s a good model for approaching motherhood when the times are tough.

So what classifies as essential?

I think most would agree that clothes and food are a necessity. Clean faces and perfect piggy tails are optional extras. Clean nappies are naturally essential but daily bathing is not. A hose in summer or the quick top and tail method is perfectly adequate. An empty laundry basket is an impossible pursuit and homemade play dough is a nice to have.

Come to think of it, kids don’t need to be dressed all the time. On more than one occasion my toddler has still been in her dressing gown and pyjamas when dropping off my eldest to kinder. No one has given us a second glance. The fact that I make it there at all for an 8.30am start with three kids in tow is an achievement. I do, however, consider it essential for me to be dressed, as haphazardly as it may be.  During warmer weather, why dress your kids at all for home? They love a nudie run and seem so much happier unadorned.

My domestic standards have reached an all-time low.  The addition of my third child has resulted a living room that resembles a war zone. I don’t berate myself about this and I challenge anyone to maintain a tidy house that occupies three preschoolers.  I heard recently that a messy house is a happy house, so if that sentiment is true then we must be euphoric at our place!

Needless to say, I have lowered my personal standards too. I am cloaked in vomit and milk most of the time so I’ve stopped wearing decent clothes. Hair and make up are optional extras and get done infrequently but I do consider brushing my teeth a necessity, especially after my last check up at the dentist.

Creating nutritious meals for my kids (only to have it end up on the floor, walls or in my face) is another unrealistic ambition. Those of you with fussy eaters will understand my reluctance to put in much effort in the kitchen. I have tried every technique in the book without success. Recently I applauded myself for coercing my daughter into eating hot chips. Such is her suspicion with food she was reluctant to try them despite my appeals and leading by example. I know hot chips are not ideal, but hey, they’re a vegetable and carbs are a vital food group!  

Instead of giving myself a hard time about all the things that I could do better, I am fostering imperfections and feeling good about it. There’s really nothing wrong with doing things adequately, satisfactorily or sufficiently. If your kids are happy then the chances are you’re doing a great job.

Liberate yourself and start lowering your standards. It’s nice to sometimes excel and it gives you a huge ego boost when you actually surpass your expectations. You’d be surprised how many things are optional extras.

Give it a go. Just like 40 is the new 30, “adequate” is the new “excellent”. Well, it is in my household anyway….

Michaela Fox is a freelance writer and event manager. She is mother to three beautiful daughters. You can follow her musings on motherhood at notanotherslipperydip.wordpress.com

22 comments

  • oh more first world problems... who'd have thought having healthy well-adjusted kids for whom you can create nutritious meals would cause so much angst...

    Commenter
    jay
    Date and time
    November 15, 2012, 8:59AM
    • Perhaps we could have a moratorium on the use of the almost useless phrase "First World Problems"? I am always amazed by the number of people who seem to have time to spare to get onto one on-line forum after another (this time in a section called "Daily Life", yet) and inform everyone else that they have first world problems. I can only assume that these people are unwinding after a hard day of distributing mosquito netting to fight malaria, or lobbying to free prisoners of conscience, or something...

      Commenter
      GeoffL
      Date and time
      November 15, 2012, 12:31PM
    • Applauding yourself for forcing your kid to eat hot chips because 'hey, it's a vegetable' is the reason why there's so many obese children out there... you needen't be perfect, but for goodness sake children rely on their parents for their nutrition... if your daughter didn't want chips, you shouldn't have fored them on her. Better she eat nothing than lard and starch!!

      Commenter
      Disgruntled Goat
      Date and time
      November 15, 2012, 2:58PM
    • @Disgruntled Goat: exactly. I was in furious agreement with the article right up until I came to the bit about coercing her daughter into eating hot chips. Sorry, but setting your kids up for a life of poor diet choices and weight problems does not fit my definition of good parenting. By all means disguise healthy as unhealthy (hey, there's a reason why so many of my mum's recipes, including desserts, contained grated carrot), but I would rather see 100 screaming, food throwing tantrums in a food court than 10 kids happily munching their ways to obesity!

      Commenter
      Fred
      Date and time
      November 16, 2012, 8:38AM
    • IT IS A HOT CHIP! My goodness. This child is THAT fussy that she needs encouragement to each one of life's most delectable pleasures! If you can't see the humour in that then please enjoy your fish and grated carrot on the beach.

      Commenter
      Humour Police
      Date and time
      November 16, 2012, 1:38PM
  • Michaela you ARE the PERFECT mother!!! I too am well and truly done with doubting myself every single day...and I am an extremely content person for it. Well done Michaela and all of us mums out there!!

    Commenter
    gixxa
    Date and time
    November 15, 2012, 9:00AM
    • This is the eminently sensible idea of the 'good enough' mother - which a psychiatrist of my acquaintance (ahem) has been promoting for years. When I hear mothers around me complain of their inadequacy in the parenting department (mothers that are clearly doing a pretty good job at the very least), I always like to ask them, "Are you pimping them out for crack?" It tends to put things into perspective...

      Commenter
      Madeleine
      Location
      Prahran
      Date and time
      November 15, 2012, 9:21AM
      • I have come to realise that tomato sauce is a food group.

        Commenter
        Jen
        Location
        Canberra
        Date and time
        November 15, 2012, 9:29AM
        • Haha! Tiny teddies too!

          Commenter
          RN
          Date and time
          November 15, 2012, 1:14PM
        • I LOVE tomato sauce. It makes anything tasty :)

          Commenter
          toucans
          Date and time
          November 15, 2012, 8:33PM

      More comments

      Comments are now closed