"To be clear, they’re not being nice because they actually love and respect their wife. Oh no. They do it because it’ll stop her from busting their balls." Photo: Getty
What’s a nice guy to do when the woman he married doesn’t act like a compliant domestic sex slave?
It’s a problem that has preoccupied father of three and self-proclaimed ‘marriage alchemist’ Kevin Crawford — and now he’s shared the answer in The Sibelius Sequence: How To Lovingly Hack Your Wife's Emotional Operating System So You Can Enjoy "Happy Wife, Happy Life" On Autopilot.
The marriage alchemist knows a thing or two about women. After all, he married one.
‘After the "honeymoon glow" wore off, her true colors came out,’ he explains in his promotional material. ‘Wild mood swings. Unexplained weeping and gnashing of teeth. Hot and cold in the bedroom. Overall impossibly high expectations no man could live up to… And the MESS. Periodically, the wheels would fall off and she would let the place go. I'm talking complete pigsty. I would trip over piles just trying to walk to the closet.’
As Crawford — nice guy that he is — goes on to explain on his website, ‘Divorce Wasn't An Option. Neither Was Murder’. Such a swell guy!
The 17 page ‘manual’ (written in 19pt font) which Crawford claims he based on findings from female psychology, master/slave relationships, dog training and mind control, advises men to first use a personality test to better understand their wife’s psychology.
So far, so Dr Phil. (Okay, so Dr Phil doesn’t base his advice on research gleaned from dog training manuals.)
The twist, though, is that men don’t get their wife to do the test. After all, what would a chick know? As the Sibelius Sequence explains, men should do the test on her behalf since ‘you’ll be able to generate a more accurate test result for your wife because you’ll be bypassing her natural instinct to cast herself in a good light.’
The crux of Crawford’s advice is for men to put reminders in their calendars to do ‘low hanging fruit’ – things that cost them little effort but the little lady will like, such as giving her a present or a compliment.
To be clear, they’re not being nice because they actually love and respect their wife. Oh no. They do it because it’ll stop her from busting their balls.
‘The idea is to KEEP her in this suspended, happy state with as little effort as possible,’ Crawford writes. ‘You give her a little “love nudge” just as or ideally just before she starts coming down. Think of her mood as a pinball. You watch her bounce around happily inside the machine, only flipping the levers when she rolls close to the hole at the bottom.’
To prove the effectiveness of this cynical manipulation — some would call it psychological abuse — of women, top bloke Crawford used his own wife as a test subject and ‘gave it to her good.’
‘When I woke up the next day, she was already dressed, with earrings in and makeup on, her hair in a cute ponytail. The kitchen was sparkling clean, and the smell of bacon and eggs filled the house. She was humming happily to herself.’
The catch is that the Sibelius Sequence will only work if women don’t suspect that their strings are being pulled. That’s perhaps one reason that you won’t find the Sibelius Sequence via the open web. The website advertising ‘The Happy Wife Code’ contains code to ensure the site isn’t listed in Google or any other search engine.
As appalling as Crawford’s advice is, it sits on a spectrum of casual misogyny where women are less human beings and more programmable pleasurebots — with Roomba for feet.
At one end is the mentality of pick up artists, documented by Neil Strauss in The Game, where men manipulate women by running pick up scripts and routines.
At the other extreme are the monsters who imprison women in domestic servitude, such as the cases of Josef Fritzl, Ariel Castro and, more recently, the people who held The Lambeth slaves captive.
Both extremes share an utter disregard for women as agents, and instead treat them as obstinate animals or automatons to be controlled by emotional and physical violence.
While Crawford and his ilk reject physical violence, they show the same hatred and disrespect for women. Their concern for their wife’s needs and welfare only extends to what needs to be done in order to control her. And because they don’t inflict physical bruises, they convince themselves that their abusive tactics are social acceptable, even decent.
Kasey Edwards is the best-selling author of 4 books 30-Something and Over It, 30-Something and The Clock is Ticking, OMG! That's Not My Husband, and OMG! That's Not My Child. www.kaseyedwards.com