"Is he going to propose on your holiday?"

Engagement rumours continue to 'swirl' for Nico Jackson and Pippa Middleton.

Engagement rumours continue to 'swirl' for Nico Jackson and Pippa Middleton. Photo: Getty

These are the questions that you will be asked upon telling friends about an upcoming holiday when you are a woman in your mid 20s onward in possession of a beau – can you bring me back some nail polish from Sephora, do you have some good sleeping pills and do you think he’s going to propose.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been courting for a week or a decade, someone will teasingly or earnestly and excitedly suggest that you had best get your nails done so that you’re engagement ring selfie ready.  

For a celebrity example of holiday proposal fever we must look to Pippa Middleton, who, to borrow a phrase from the glossy magazines has had engagement rumours “swirling” around her for some time. And while it’s difficult to feel too sorry for her- she of the perfect bottom, princess perks without the drudgery of actually having to be a princess and strong jawed boyfriend – it must get tiresome to not be able to get away for a bit without someone concluding that a) her current gent must have suggested marriage, and b) like all women of a certain age, she was absolutely, positively, dying to be asked.

Last month gossip columnists again feverishly wondered whether or not Middleton had been proposed to while on holidays in India. It’s a parallel universe example of any unmarried woman who dares to return to the office with a really good tan, relaxed demeanour and no sign of a rock on the finger.

While the question (not “the question”) is usually asked with good intentions, it hints at several cracks in the proposal industry, and you know, pesky gender stereotypes. Namely, that all proposals must be, if not public, then certainly grand and ideally in an exotic locale, that the man must ask the woman for her hand in marriage, and that your life – lovely holidays and all – is not enough if you are not married, or on the verge of it.

It’s something that writer Chloe Angyal simply can’t abide. She noted in Thought Catalog of an impending trip to Paris with her boyfriend of less than one year, that she was constantly being asked if she thought he would propose. A thought she found both horrifying, and cause to reflect on how the proposal has more than ever become a spectacle.

“I’m fascinated, though, by the assumption that this event is going to take place, indeed, that it must take place, not only because we’re at that age and have been together almost a year, but because we are going to this place, together. It will be more special, more of an event, if it happens there. It will make such a good story. With the lights and the romance and the cobblestones, it will be so much more spectacular — and a proposal should be spectacular,” she wrote.

So yes, there’s also a whole lot of pressure on men to outdo each other in the proposal stakes, in ways that hint at both narcissism and sexism. What’s more surprising though is the reluctance of women to propose to men.  A 2012 study found that when it came to popping the question, not much had changed from when your grandfather asked for your grandmother's hand at a square dance. Something that will only change, wrote Laura Beck in Jezebel in response to the study, when women start going around asking people to marry them.

But it’s the assumption of a proposal on holidays, and that it is the thing wanted most – more so than an all-inclusive buffet breakfast – that is the bit that sticks and feels unsettling. Of course it would be entirely lovely and special to be proposed to, perhaps while yodelling atop a mountain in Switzerland. But it’s not for everyone. Or it’s not the right time,  and it might not be something that occurred to you to think about in-between trawling Jetsetter.com for hotel deals and spreadsheeting every meal that you were going to eat.

What’s more, a proposal doesn’t have to happen while side saddling a donkey on an island in the Mediterranean, or snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef. Similarly, you don’t have to get swept up into ‘engagement season’ and follow everybody else' rules. A proposal should be thoughtful and romantic, but that does and should mean something different to every couple. 

And you know what, on the things you only tell your diary side, so you might be hoping that he will propose to you somewhere across the Indian Ocean. You might take a secret delight in people asking you if think he will, as though it’s a possibility that others have mapped out for you. Hell, you might have a ‘one day’ Pinterest board and a side eye on Hello May magazine, and that’s OK. That’s yours, and something that you shouldn’t let disappointment, or busy bodies, chip away at.

But you can certainly have a wonderful, romantic sojourn that brings you closer together without him asking for your hand atop the Eiffel Tower. You’ll always have Paris, as the romantics like to say, and you can darn well have your holiday too.

Though, and let's get real, if it’s truly on your must do holiday agenda, you know you could always just ask him yourself. 

 

31 comments

  • As you say the option is always there for women to propose to men but this almost never happens, why? After all women are presumably more liberated now than at any previous point, 40% of women in the US earn more than their partners and more women go to university than men. Could it be that women don't want to take responsibility for this or that they actually prefer being asked so they don't run the risk of being turned down?

    Commenter
    Hurrow
    Date and time
    January 09, 2014, 9:17AM
    • Of course...thats why women never make the first move to ask a guy out. Why would it change when they are in a relationship? Lazy women. :)

      Commenter
      Blake
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 12:55PM
    • My wife proposed to me. It was really great and low key and I think it meant so much more than a grandiose statement. More women should get on the proposal bandwagon.

      Commenter
      Neil the Seal
      Location
      melbourne
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 3:33PM
  • This topic comes up all the time now when unmarried couples take a trip together. The destination proposal is the thing now though, no wonder people always ask. Friends of mine have been proposed to in Paris, on mt Fuji, in cairns, Thailand and even during a skydive.

    I've been with my man for 5 years. In June we took our 3rd overseas holiday together. For some reason, before this trip we were both asked quite a few times, and talked at, about an overseas proposal. Never any of the other times. Probably because this was a European trip, Paris was on the destination list and we both turn 30 this year! I told people that there was no way, as we're not an overly romantic couple. He responded by telling the proposal pesterers 'why would I ruin want to my holiday?' This threw me off the scent and I was speechless for about a minute when he popped the question on a gondola in Venice! So yep, we joined the 'destination proposal' club too!

    Commenter
    Bling
    Location
    Ringwood
    Date and time
    January 09, 2014, 9:18PM
    • That's cool. One of my favourite places.

      Commenter
      Steve-O
      Location
      Sloane Square, Loondon
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 10:46AM
  • Whilst I appreciate the tone of this article & agree with it, surely a better argument to be advanced would be that a proposal itself should be redundant? It has always struck me as inherently sexist, the premise that a woman may not advance her own thoughts of marriage but instead must sit around waiting until the man feels 'ready' and asks her? At which point she is expected to have the happiest moment of her life - despite all else she might have acheived - simply because someone thinks she is worthwhile marrying? Whilst you might counter that with the argument by saying that more sisters should do it for themselves, I would say that marriage is a serious decision not to be entered into lightly. It should be discussed and planned for on an equal footing by the two adults who intend to enter into the arrangement and therefore the notion of one party deciding the timing and asking the other should be entirely redundant. And don't even get me started on those who still think it is appropriate to ask the woman's father first.

    With so much focus on 'the proposal', 'the ring' and 'the day' it is no wonder so many marriages end in divorce. It is apparently a surprise to some people that a marriage is about just that, the marriage. Not all the frills, trappings and fun bits that come with it.

    Commenter
    Bemused
    Location
    Melbourne
    Date and time
    January 10, 2014, 9:32AM
    • I agree, it should be discussed first.

      Commenter
      Lil
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 11:02AM
    • The point you actually make is what is the purpose of marriage in general these days?

      Why do people need the state to give recognition of their relationship? What's to stop people simply standing in front of their friends and giving vows to each other?
      Marriage these days is meaningless.

      Commenter
      Freddie Frog
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 11:07AM
    • "The point you actually make is what is the purpose of marriage in general these days?"
      Two words - tax benefits.

      I have made the same argument to many pushing for recognition of same-sex marriage (that you should actually be pushing for the removal of the state having any powers relating to marriage), but for many I talked with it became pretty apparent that they did not want to remove the special treatment that comes with state-recognised marriage, they just wanted in on it.

      Commenter
      Markus
      Location
      Canberra
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 12:25PM
    • Markus, remind me of the tax benefits of being married...

      Commenter
      Sigh
      Date and time
      January 10, 2014, 1:41PM

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