Getting dumped is not something many people strive to achieve excellence in – but maybe it should be. After all, we’re supposed to get our hearts broken an average of five times in our lives, according to a little scientific journal I read called The Daily Mail. Having endured much of my quota (mostly at the hands of the same ex) I feel qualified to share the findings of my research, or, my guide on how to be a boss at getting dumped.
If you are looking for love advice, I can tell you I don’t have love advice. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career of being the dumpee. Here is your guide.
Ditch the Mentionitis
Mentionitis is a real disease, affecting thousands of dumpees every year. Symptoms include: obsessively mentioning a particular person as frequently as possible, despite the tenuous links said person has to original topic of conversation. For example - Person 1: I would like a flat white, please. Dumpee: My ex was white! Why does everything remind me of (insert ex name here)?! There is only one cure – and it’s going cold turkey. It means training your brain to not look for links to your ex, and retraining it to look for other topics of conversation.
Don't 'meet for closure’
I’m not even convinced closure is a real word – I think it might have been something invented by Hollywood to facilitate plot developments. There is no reason, once one of you has said it’s over, to meet/speak/email/SMS/snapchat for ‘closure’. You may think that seeing your now-not-so-significant-other after the fact will help – you may start to see their flaws, you may realise you put them on a pedestal, they may have gotten morbidly obese. None of this will change the fact that they no longer want you. It’s much healthier to imagine they have been tragically killed, and that the last words they whispered were your name and something about regrets. Trust me.
Never do the sex with the ex
Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean it’s right. Let’s be honest – if it was just about bumping uglies, you’d go on Tinder. So why must you go back to the ex for the sex? Because it's ‘familiar’, or ‘easy’, or ‘STI free’? If you want to be a boss at break ups, go sow your wild oats somewhere, um, wild. Because if there is one thing that my mum taught me it’s that the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else*.
*This is an extrapolation of what my mother said and not her actual words.
What’s that on my favourites? Just my ex’s Facebook
When you break up with someone, you might engage in torturing yourself with hypothetical images of them out on Saturday nights, imagining them drinking in ‘cool’ bars, chatting up long legged beauties and loving their new found single life. Thanks to social media, these images are no longer just hypothetical – they are readily available, at your fingertips, to confirm your worst nightmares. Clicking through countless photos and wondering which of the people photographed might have been your ex’s hook up for the night, is not a productive way to move on. Delete them, unfollow them, unfriend them. You may also wish to falsify photos of yourself doing the above and flaunt them on social media, but this is optional and only for the purposes of malice.
But we're still best friends!
You are not friends. You are ex-lovers. Ex-partners. Ex-soulmates. You can’t just skip back down a rung on the relationship ladder to ‘best friends’ and pretend the whole ‘thought we might live happily ever after’ thing didn’t happen. Maybe in years to come, with the benefit of several dumpings under your belt and wizened old age, you will be able to salvage a friendship from your train wreck of a relationship. But two weeks after you broke up? No siree.
It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a start. Once you achieve expert level, you’ll be getting dumped with the kind of aplomb that others can only dream of. Surely that’s enough to console your broken heart?