The dark side of 'bridesmaiding'
"There will be a bridesmaid that you won’t be able to work out how or why she and the bride are friends."
I’ve been a bridesmaid the same amount of times I’ve been on a jury.
What I’ve realised is that the same kind of commitment is needed for both jobs.
Basically, once you’ve committed, you’re going to need a gargantuan excuse to get out of it. And while you may be excited about it for the first few days, there will be a time when you say to yourself, ‘what the hell have I gotten myself into?’
While being asked is an honour, it can also quickly become a burden.
Further – if you are asked to be one, start budgeting now.
Here are top 11 things that no one tells you about being a bridesmaid:
- Ask the bride straight up how much she is expecting you to cough up. After I said yes, the person I ended up upsetting the most was mum, as I suddenly treated her pantry like my personal Coles and found that fried breadcrumbs and sauce was actually pretty palatable.
- If you don’t know the other bridesmaids, I guarantee there will be one that you won’t be able to work out how or why she and the bride are friends. You will end up bitching to your own friends about her as she will have this knack of completely dismissing all you awesome ideas. You will harbour secret hopes she will put on weight and not fit into her bridesmaid dress.
- Say goodbye to weekends for they will now be filled with visiting all kinds of dress shops. Don’t wear layers and boots. This is one of those occasions where you will thank baby Jesus for thongs and trackies.
- If the bride hands you a document that looks like this….
Hello my beautiful bridesmaids! Let me just say again how happy I am that you are going to be a part of my special day! Below are just a few guidelines for the wedding that I’d like you to review, please initial by each point, sign at the end and send back to me. Just want to make sure there aren’t any surprises! The planning bride is a happy bride!
Thanks a bunch! Love ya!
______ My hair will remain at the length it is now or longer.
______ I will not change my hair colour without first consulting (the bride) and providing a sample photo or hair swatch for consideration.
______ I will use Sally Hansen’s Super Long Talon Bedazzle every day for the 4 months before the wedding day.
______ I will not gain more than 3 kilograms from the weight I was when I was asked to be a bridesmaid.
______ I will purchase the style # 81123 dress in latte/champagne within 3 weeks of today.
______ I will NOT knowingly get pregnant without notifying (the bride) at least 4 months prior to the wedding so a suitable alternate can be found. I will also give my purchased bridesmaid dress to said alternate.
I do hereby swear that I will adhere to all of the above & other understood bridesmaid duties for the wedding on (date of wedding)
(sign, print and date)
- You have to organise the bride’s kitchen tea and hen’s night. It’s like herding cats, then you have to try to pry money from them. From the last few hen’s parties I’ve been to, the usual cost of attending is roughly $50, but it's not completely unusual to get a Big Day Out ticket cheaper.
- You’ll probably have to pay for your hair, makeup, manicure, pedicure and *cough* spray tan. This means getting your kit off in front of a complete stranger while she airbrushes your whiteness away while you are either in stone cold silence wishing the minutes away, or chatting furiously to distract her from your not-quite-up-to-scratch bikini wax. For a moment you will think you are getting turned on, but really, you are just cold. You shouldn't have this same problem with getting a pedicure. If you do, they're doing it wrong. Call the police.
- You will be bored while the bride and groom have their photos done post-ceremony, pre-reception. You will be made to do some kooky poses with the bridesmaid you don’t like.
- Your groomsman counterpart will either be devilishly handsome and married, or a complete jackass.
- ‘Fun’ music may be selected on your entrance to the reception. When Sisqo’s ‘Thong Song’ starts up, just smile and walk to your seat.
10. Do not wink at devilishly handsome married man.
11. If you are saying a speech, do it with total feeling. This is when you start to remember why you’re here – and it’s the last official thing you have to do. Like on jury duty, you’re delivering the verdict. Light. End. Tunnel.
Bridesmaids, while I salute you, you are all off the hook for my wedding day.
I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for the fourth time, but I declined very lovingly, saying my bridesmaiding days are over -- my area of expertise now is being a fabulous guest.