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Dear Men,

First up, good on you for reading Daily Life. There are a bunch of sites that are pitched more toward your demographic’s well-honed interests – most of the internet, in fact – so nice to see you here. I’m a chap myself, as the pic above suggests. The beard’s something of a giveaway.

And the fact I’m a chap might be partly why you’re reading this. See, while there are plenty of men who visit this site, they occasionally seem to be here principally to take umbrage at women.

They’ll insist that they like women. Why, they’re nice guys! They don’t act like those beefcake alpha males! In fact, they’ve been nice to women all their lives, and you know what it’s gotten them? Nothing! Women only go for a---holes, because they’re shallow – they say all this stuff about how they want to be treated with respect, but if you don’t have a sweet car or a huge bank account then forget it! And then they twitch a bit and keep staring at the increasingly-uncomfortable woman on the other side of the café.

I know that’s not you, honest. Other men, sure, they’re jerks – but of course you’re not the sort of guy that would dismiss this information if it was written by a woman yet take it seriously if it’s presented by a beardy dude, but sadly such men exist. So, here are five things about women that guys apparently don’t quite grasp, as expressed by a nice, safe, fellow Y-chromosome-sporting straight guy:

1. Women Don't Actually Play Hard-To-Get
That girl in your office who doesn’t laugh at your jokes? That woman at the bar who refused a drink? Karen who sat in front of you in maths and used to get really mad when you touched her hair? None of them were secretly in love with you, none of them were testing your affection, and none of them were playing hard-to-get. Women don’t actually do that outside of Preston Sturges comedies of the 1940s. They’re not hiding their smouldering passion for you under a veneer of indifference: that’s genuine indifference right there. And what you think are playful antics are actually contributing to a culture of fear in which women are passive objects of male amusement. Which, spoiler alert, is not the case.

2. Romantic Comedy Behaviour Will Get You Real-Life Rejected
Let’s be clear: chivalry is no bad thing (and let’s get this hoary chestnut out of the way now: yes, hold the door open, it’s simple politeness) but otherwise forget everything that romantic comedies have taught you about courtship: they’re deliberately lying to you. Persistence isn’t sexy, fellows: it’s creepy. Even if it involves a backyard boombox and Peter Gabriel’s ‘In Your Eyes’, you’re still going to get an AVO issued against you.

3. “The Game” is "bullshit"
So you read The Game, bought a stupid hat, learned some card tricks and went out on to use your newly minted Pick Up Techniques. Maybe they even worked, but do you know why? It’s because they made you confident, and confidence is attractive. You can get the same effect by picking up a pebble, saying “pebble, when I have you in my pocket, I’m awesome”, and putting it in your pocket. It totally works (because pebbles are magic, you see), and you don’t even have to wear a feather boa or pretend to read minds. And I don’t need to explain to you that forcing yourself on women trying to have a quiet drink while you “neg” her about her weight and pretend to be psychic is probably going to have you ejected by bouncers, right?

4. Listen to the Little Guy In Your Head Telling You That You Should Shut Up And Leave
One of the great secrets about ladies is this: you’ll know when one is interested. Are they talking to you? Playfully bantering? Suggesting you get coffee sometime? Taking their pants off in your bedroom? All of those are cues that you’re on the right track. If they stare balefully at you as you’re speaking, or tell you to f-ck the hell off, that’s not an invitation: it’s a sign to withdraw. And unless you’re a complete idiot, the little guy in your head knows all of this, so listen to him.

This is the biggest danger with getting drunk, because the little guy has, by purely for reasons of scale, a very little head and hence it only takes a few drinks to knock him out. And you know what you are when you’re without the little guy? You’re an idiot. So look after the little guy. He rarely steers you wrong.

5. Seriously: No Really Does Actually Genuinely Mean No
Yes, it really, really does. Always. And not-no is not yes: silence is not assent. Seriously, you need to have this explained? Are you some sort of monster? 


Yours ever,

Andrew

 

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