Carmen Electra chooses to workout on a bed.
Article originally posted at TheVine.com.au
Before sex tapes were a thing, every celebrity and their trainer had an equally – if not more so – unapologetically shameless workout tape. These exercises promised consumers flat abs and toned thighs, not to mention hours of entertainment. Though it's easy to laugh and make fun of these (very easy) at least the celebrities involved had to go to a bit of effort to endorse. Crunching for cash is way harder than tweeting. And anyway, besides now, when has LaToya Jackson made it into the Top 10 of anything?
Carmen Electra
So before I knew Carmen Electra’s workout tape was called Fit to Strip I got 0:47 into the YouTube clip and proceeded to close the window in fear of my job. Upon further research (watching) I’ve learnt that what the five-disc Aerobic Striptease workout tape will definitely not kill in calories, promises to make up for in brain cells. Though advertised as a fusion of dance and striptease – “the exotic blend of fitness technique combined with the fun of dance” – the tapes aren’t fun nor do they even pretend to offer any viable sweat-inducing options. It’s pretty much just Carmen Electra making eyes at the camera for minutes on end.
Kelly Rowland
Of everything that is wrong with Kelly Rowland having a workout tape (I’d just like to point out that Beyonce doesn’t have one) it is by far the fact that Kelly lies to us and pretends to take pleasure in the repetitive crunches and sit-ups. Kelly, everyone knows that no one actually enjoys exercising; we just like that self-satisfied smug feeling that comes when we tell people we exercised. “I know you feel it!”, says Kelly. “No we don’t”, says everyone.
LaToya Jackson
Watching LaToya Jackson breathlessly struggle through her own science fiction-esque video (which, in actual fact, is led by a personal trainer whose real name can surely not be Gay Gasper) Step Up is further proof that this member of the Jackson clan simply cannot move. Or exercise. Or dance. Or even read coherently off an autocue. In her defence, she does manage to master a not sexy at all circular hip movement thingy and step back and forth in time with the monotonous (yet still totally hypnotic) tracks. But look, I’d be lying if I said I hated the moments when she turned around and gave me an opportunity to study the intricate structure of her wig.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The same year, Zsa Zsa Gabor created some serious market competition when she brought out It’s Simple Darling. During her vid, Zsa Zsa barely makes any mention of being healthy (at least she’s being real) and makes every reference to sex, her famously dysfunctional personal life, having sex with her two sex-slave beefhead personal trainers and the importance of sucking in your stomach during sex - all while she pretends to work out! Ladies, take note. She hasn’t made a cameo in every sitcom ever and crowned Miss Hungary 1936 for nothing.
By far, the best line of Zsa Zsa's tape is when she encourages viewers to look great for your “unfaithful husband, lover, lawyer, doctor” and reminds us that she “wasn’t born to be an athlete, I was born to be a lover.” So pretty much, according to Zsa Zsa, exercise is only good for two things: making other women jealous and stealing their men. All class.
Girls of the Playboy Mansion
Besides the distracting not-so-background porn music, Kendra, Holly and Bridget’s The Girls Next Door workout tape actually aptly covers some practical and easy-to-do at home exercises, covering punches, lower body and abs respectively. Who would’ve thought?
Cher
Say what you want about Cher, but the woman has always been in impeccable shape. Personally, I’m willing to look past her frilly latex leotard (let’s just think about that combination for a minute) and her disingenuous pre-amble about faith and courage because she’s straight up: “You don’t get the best kind of body you can by wishing for it”. You will though from doing her exercise tape.
OJ Simpson
OJ really did have it all: an unforgettable sports career, fame, fortune, The Kardashians, and a faultless fitness tape that he could’ve lived off for the rest of his life. Pity.
Alyssa Milano
Though Googling Alyssa Milano Teen Steam is going to pull up an array of NSFW websites, I can’t decide if the actress’ workout tape is more Clarissa Explains It All or more poorly devised porn storyline.
Before Charmed, Milano was just a totally normal teenage girl who inconspicuously hung out in her room wearing a sport bra and leggings, chatting to her friends on the phone until they could “work out” their problems together. You’ll see.
Kim Kardashian
I can’t decide if the actual tape or this photo is more shameless:
Image credit: Perez Hilton.
Images via Flickr
