Each day I receive an e-newsletter in my inbox from a fashion website that keeps me abreast of trends. It is my small attempt to stave off un-fashionability, which we all know can creep up on a person.
One minute you’re right out there freelancing on style’s cutting edge, wearing vintage brogues and and witty brooches, and the next you’ve moved to the national capital and you find yourself popping to the shops in (non-ironic) tapered jeans and Seinfeld sneakers. Possibly even buying a parka. I digress.
Yesterday, the fashion email included a feature article entitled ‘‘Fourteen reasons why you need a biker jacket NOW’’. I think it was the specificity of it that got me - was there really no 15th reason the writer could create for the sake of rounding up? But I suppose if you wanted to be a purist about it, there really is only one proper reason for needing a biker jacket: because you’re an actual biker.
This revolutionary thought inspired me to break ranks with fashion group-think and voice concerns that I have held for some time over other items we are told are ‘‘on-trend’’. I hope by speaking out I can encourage others to throw off the shackles of chic and embrace their tapered jeans.
Seriously, could it be any more everywhere? Shopping the high street has become a visual hazard. You basically need sunglasses just to enter Country Road. The neon trend - incidentally no friend of the pasty lady - started as a sort of winking tribute to the ‘80s but now every time I turn on breakfast television my eyes are blinded by high-vis blazers and blouses. When did it become okay to dress like Tony Abbott on a factory visit? I give this trend half a summer, at most, before the nation’s women collectively wonder what crack they’ve been smoking to want to dress like highlighter pens.
High top sneakers
I dare you to wear high-tops and not look like Punky Brewster. Unless you’re Jess Hart, in which case, go nuts because you always look cute.
There’s a lot of them around this season and okay, so I might have bought a pair. They are comfy and slouchy and they look great with a nice little heel and a tuxedo blazer. But I am pretty sure they make every woman’s a–se look at least 70 per cent bigger than its actual size. Also I think the reason I like them is because I never had enough cash to buy MC Hammer pants in the ‘90s. And that’s not really a good enough justification.
As a child, I made a lot of statement jewellery for my mother from coloured pasta. We’re told it’s a great way to ‘‘toughen up’’ an outfit and once again, it’s possible I picked up a little sugar on the accessories wall of Sportsgirl as recently as last weekend. But there is a larger part of me that thinks statement jewellery just makes us all look like extras from Cleopatra.
Playsuits, jump-suits, all-in-ones, whatever you call them, you can’t get past the fact that they are really only supposed to be worn by babies, who have the competitive advantage of having their nappies changed by someone else. Have you ever tried to answer nature’s call wearing a playsuit in a poky pub bathroom? You pretty much have to get nude.
I could add so much more to this list - panda-print dresses, jungle print everything, and coloured jeans. But every long journey starts with a small step.