It's not even a wig - Kate Middleton just has beautiful hair. Photo: Chris Jackson
I was in the shower last week and poured on the shampoo only to realise, after it failed to lather, that it was a hair masque. I wasn't drunk - although I have taken my share of showers in a state of wild inebriation. If you haven't ever bent down to grab the body wash and returned to an upright position to find the cubicle spinning, stars floating before your eyes and your heart beating loudly through your ears, well! Actually, you're probably enjoying a superior quality of life.
But I've swayed from my point, which is that hair potions are given such bizarre names these days I no longer know what it is I'm putting on my scalp. Don't believe me? What is "Angel Wash" then? Bonus question: will it still work without "Angel Rinse"? What about "Shine Boost"? What sort of product is "Frizzy Logic"?
It's tough, I tell you! The large, exotic title of the hair potion struts into my eye line like a fiercely decorated Trojan horse, trumpeting something like "Deluxe de Magique!" in pseudo French, while underneath lurks the bashful truth in fine print - "um, shampoo".
But every rule has its exception and Redken's Loose Ends for Men takes the cake, with an "explanation" in fine print that is more convoluted than the title. Loose Ends is - are you ready? - "Liquid Pomade". There's that pseudo French again.
I guess "liquid wax" sounds too, you know, butch for a hair product targeted specifically at men. Did that sound snarky? It did, didn't it?
Well, I'm a frequent user of all of the above, except the pomade, of course. Although I do enjoy saying pomade, as it sounds to me like a risqué style of dress only attempted by French men on holiday.
"Oh, Garance, did you see what Gerard had on down by the pool? He wore his swimmers in the pomade fashion - it was très provocative."
But I have a special place in my heart for the divine Angel Wash (birth name: shampoo) and for the old Rootalicious. Both are from Australian companies - Kevin Murphy and O&M respectively. And while they both indulge in stage names, their products are righteously free of parabens, triclosan, glycol and other additives.
And they're not the only ones. Alterna's Shine Boost is free of all of them, too. It's also free of gluten, which is great news if you want to eat it, isn't it? To be frank, though, you could tell me their products were kryptonite-free and I'd happily swallow the hype, because my hair currently feels softer than a puppy's floppy ear, which means they're doing something great.
And that's exactly what I'll comfort myself with next time I stumble, tired and emotional, into the shower.
O&M Rootalicious Root Lift, $32. Alterna Shine Boost hair treatment, $26. Kevin Murphy Angel Wash shampoo, $33, and Angel Rinse conditioner, $34. Redken Loose Ends Liquid Pomade, $34.50. O&M Frizzy Logic Shine Serum, $32.